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Has anybody ever started a joke by saying, "I'm a racist, but..."? 

More Fun with Commonly Confused Words:  of and 've

OK, so "'ve" is not technically a word, but the contraction of a word – have.  The problem with these two words is that when you hear a phrase like "could've," it sounds like "could of," so that's the way you spell it, which means you now no longer have an actual verb in your verb phrase, but a preposition.  And, grammatically speaking, that's not going to work at all. 

Luckily, there are very few times in the English language where "have" is used in a contraction.  For all practical purposes, there are only four and a half words that are commonly contracted with "have"–  should, would, could, might, and n't – the contracted form of "not."

When we speak, and when some of us write, we say things like, "You shouldn't've done that."  And, of course, what we're saying you shouldn't've done is following the "n't" with "of," such as "wouldn't of."  Once again, what you should be saying is "would not have."  Or, if you don't mind writing a bit informally, go ahead and use the double contraction.

There's a pretty simple rule here:  Anytime you use one of those words (should, could, would, might, not) and you follow it with "of," it's wrong.  If this is a problem for you, put those words on a Post-it and stick it on your computer monitor. 

And, sure, there are other words you can contract with "have," such as "will've" and "shall've," but, seriously!  When was the last time you said "will've"?  And you have to be legally British to say "shall've."

Lay and Lie

"Lay" and "lie" are two of the most confused words in the English language, and that's because they're... well... confusing. 

"To lay" means "to put, or to place."  As such, it requires a direct object.  For instance:  Please lay the gun on the table.  "To lie" means "to recline."  As such, it does not require a direct object.  For instance:  I want you to lie down.  ("down" in that sentence is not a direct object because it is not a noun; it is an adverb that tells "where.") 

By itself, that's not too confusing.  But then, because you can be your own direct object, you can always place yourself in bed, as in:  Lay yourself down.

Never mind that "lie" can also mean "to be untruthful," and that "lay" can also mean "aspect" (such as "the lay of the land").

But that's just the present tense.  If you really want to be confused, the past tense for "lie" is the present tense for "lay."  And it just gets sillier from there on out, what with "laid" and "lain," especially because you can get laid, but in that sense you don't necessarily need to be lying anywhere, but you may have to be lying to get laid... but I digress.  In short, the best way to know which is which is to use a chart.  But then, anytime you have to use a chart to understand which form of a word to use... yeah.  It's easy to see why these words are so often confused.

Infinitive	Present	Past (simple)	Past Participle	Present Participle
to lay	lay (s)	laid	laid	laying
to lie	lie (s)	lay	lain	lying

 

As a quick review, participial forms of any verb, be they past or present, require helping verbs.  ("participial" = adjective; "participle" = noun)  For instance:  The gun had been laid on the table, and the body was lying on the floor.  The past participial form of any verb should not be used – ever – without a helping verb.  You can say:  I had seen it.  But you really shouldn't say:  I seen it... well, not if you don't want to sound uneducated.  On the other hand, you can use the present participial form of a verb without a helping verb, but when you do, it's no longer a verb.  For instance:  Lying on the bed is my favourite pastime.  In that sentence, what you are saying is:  This, here, is my favourite pastime.  And that makes the "This" – lying – the subject of the sentence, which means it's a noun.  And that's why a sentence like:  Moving to Hollywood... isn't a sentence at all.  It's a fragment, because it has no subject or main verb:  I will be moving to Hollywood... on the other hand, does.

Quote of the Morning:

Just because you can't smell it doesn't mean it don't stink.  (The Reverend Bob Bidwell)