Oh my God! Oh my gosh! Oh my goodness! Oh my word! Oh my anything! Enough
already! It's gotten to the point where nobody can express wonderment about anything, no matter how unastonishing it may
actually be, without invoking the name of God. They've done it so much that they've shortened it to OMG! If using the Lord's
name in vain is a hell-worthy offense, there must be a special room set aside just for people who actually say, "OMG!"
It's right next to the room for those people who have to pause between each word: "Oh! My! God!" To realize
just how much of a cliché this phrase has become, even people who are avowed atheists find themselves saying it. In
the name of God (no kidding), stop!Think about it, folks. Are you really
so stupefied by a remodeled bathroom that all you can think to say is, "Oh my God!"? Do you think God really needs
to check out your bathroom? He's seen it! That's what it means to be omniscient. Put some thought into this, people. God
made the Grand Canyon. He made Mount Everest. He made kittens and rainbows and sunsets and smiling babies, for crying out
loud. Do you think he's going to be impressed in the least by your new countertops? Not likely.
However, we here at HGP know how hard it is to think originally. Mary Ann Joblonski hasn't had an original
idea since junior high, and even that wasn't much. But even she agrees that invoking the name of God for everything has got
to stop. And the only way we're ever going to do that is by offering you something else to say instead, because obviously
you can't come up with anything on your own. So as a public service we offer the following. Credit has been given where
credit is due.
First, for those
of you who have to say "Oh!" and then something else:
Odin!
(for those of you interested in economy - you get "Oh" and a god all in one word)
Oh, baby! (my old neighbor
where we used to live where the walls were embarrassingly thin)
Oh, behave! (Austin Powers)
Oh, bother. (Winnie
the Pooh)
Oh good grief. (Charley Brown)
Oh, James! (Octopussy)
Oh my gods! (Apu Nahasapeemapetilon)
Oh my nothing! (for those atheists who have been left out all this time)
Oh, say can you see? (Francis Scott Key)
Oh your god. (Bender)
Oklahoma! (Rogers and Hammerstein)
Only the Lonely. (Roy Orbison)
Oprah Winfrey!
Oye!
For those of you who need
to profess whatever to the deity of your choice:
Jesus, Joseph,
and Mary! (Benny the Cab)
¡Díos mio!
Mein Gott!
Mon dieu!
Saints be praised! (Galahad)
Zeus Almighty!
And now for some
all-time favourites:
Cowabunga! (Bart Simpson)
Dip me
in shellac and buff me to a high gloss. (Earl Eldridge)
Dude! (Jeffrey Lebowski)
Fry me in frog frap.
Good
gravy train!
Golly, Wally! (Theodore Cleaver)
Great balls of fire! (Jerry Lee Lewis)
Great Caesar's ghost!
(Perry White)
Great gobs of geese! (Albert Alligator)
Great googly moogly! (St. Louis Jimmy Oden)
Great Scott!
(Emmett Brown)
High Holy Days!
Hokey Smokes! (Rocket J. Squirrel)
Holy Moly! (Billy Baston, aka Captain
Marvel, aka Shazam!)
Holy Mother of Pearl (Taggart)
Holy Schnikes (Tommy Boy)
Holy Toledo! (Petey Burch)
Holy Underwear
Lawzem Cain! (The Indian Chief in Blazing Saddles)
Leapin' lizards! (Little Orphan Annie)
Leaping lungfish.
Mony Mony (Tommy James and the Shondells)
My Gooshe! (Aunt Opel)
Well raise my rent.
(Sheriff Bart)
Zowie! (Robin)
