Why is it that we don’t use thirds when telling somebody what time it is?  You know, when it’s like, say, twenty after four, why is we don’t say it’s a third after four?  Or four and a third?   And in another third of an hour, it’ll be a third ‘till five?  I mean, we do fourths and halves, so why not thirds?  Don’t you think it’s about time that we did?

Therefore, I have begun The International Association for the Promulgation of Tertiary Chronological Enumeration.  We figure once you learn the name, the rest is easy.  The goal of The International Association for the Promulgation of Tertiary Chronological Enumeration is get the use of thirds as a time unit into common public practice.  We know it won’t be easy, but we’re determined.

It’s not good enough just to spread the word, though the word must be spread.  More than standing on the street corners handing out fliers to the passersby, you must do it.  You must become the ideal.  You must use thirds so much that you don’t even think about it anymore.  And then you will be one of us.  You will be one of those people – us people – who will one day be able to say, “Dude!  That was me!”  when somebody wonders just why in the world people ever started using thirds to measure time.

Yes, you can be The Dude.  You would be just like one of those kids who used to meet behind the Louis Pasteur statue at San Rafael High School every day after school and get high at four and a third.  Except smoking is optional.

Never again refer to twenty after simply as twenty after.  You now have a higher calling.  You’re trying to make the entire public do something that’s absolutely stupid, just to see if they will.  It’s the American way!

Not only are you now a member of The International Association for the Promulgation of Tertiary Chronological Enumeration, you are The International Association for the Promulgation of Tertiary Chronological Enumeration.  Go forth proud!

Are you a member of The International Association for the Promulgation of Tertiary Chronological Enumeration?

For the past 16 years, Dr. Ivan Tupidsay, famed social theorist, has been collecting the transcripts of various conferences between parents and school officials from throughout history, throughout the world.  Some of these, in fact, are quite rare.  All of them are quite insightful.  These transcripts will all appear in his upcoming book, Get Out of Teaching.  Now.  which will be published by the Holy Grail Press in the fall of 2009.  However, Dr. Tupidsay has given HGP permission to publish several of these interviews ahead of time.  This begins the first of many historical educational conferences

Conference #103

Linz, Austria

October 7, 1903

Thank you for coming in, Mrs. Hitler.  I’m Mr. Goldstein, your son’s counselor here at Volkstadt Junior High.  Let me start out by saying that Adolf is a ... very unique child.  As you are aware, many of young Adolf’s teachers have been experiencing difficulty, especially his math and French instructors.  In fact, your son seems particularly to detest the French.  Let’s see... he remarked last week that... according to his French instructor... “wouldn’t it be just easier to invade France and make them all speak German?”  However, what is really troubling, and truly the reason why you have been asked to come in, is that... well... Adolf seems to have... well, quite frankly, some odd ideas about world domination.  It was just yesterday that he remarked that ... “the only true way to win at kickball would be to kill the entire other team.”  Generally, remarks such as these are not tolerated at our school.  However, we believe this is just a phase he is going through... probably associated with his father’s recent death, but we thought it wise to call it to your attention.  On the positive side, your son is doing quite well in art and public speaking, and he seems to be a natural born leader.  Truly, Mrs. Hitler, I think your son will turn out just fine.