Why I Hate My Job Interview #321:  Professional Recordist

I do recordings.  You know, like the stuff you hear in the supermarket or at the airport.  “Please place the item in the bagging area.”  “Select your form of payment.”  “Do not park in the yellow zone.”  That sort of thing.  Somebody’s got to do it.  Mostly, it’s pretty innocuous.  But every once in a while we get an order from places like nuclear reactors and research facilities.  “You have five minutes to reach a safe distance.”  “Total core meltdown in three minutes and counting.”  And then I count.  I always stay calm.  I always say what’s on the script.  All the way to zero.  But I’m always tempted to add those little things, like, “Run!” or “Make peace with your god now.”  Or even the old Porky the Pig.  You know:  “The-a... the-a... the-a... That’s all folks!”  But I don’t.  I don’t imagine the poor technician who knows there really is no safe distance would appreciate it much.  But he might.  He might be vapourized with a smile on his face.  But I don’t.  We don’t get those kinds of orders very often.  But still, it does make the entire job a bit depressing. 

Lunatic Monologues:  Superpowers

Oh, good!  A cellmate.  I like having a cellmate.  It's good to have somebody to talk to, don't you think? 

They told me not to tell other people why I'm here, but they can't make me be quiet.  I know the truth. You see, I'm here because I have superpowers.  They're afraid of people with superpowers.  So they locked me away in here where I can't use my powers.

I discovered that I can open doors.  All I have to do is wave my hand, and the doors open.  Sometimes I only have to think it.  Not all doors.  I can't open these doors.  They made sure of that.  Mostly doors into businesses.  I can walk up to the door at the grocery store, wave my hand, and it will open.  It kinda freaked me out at first.  I could walk right into the hardware store with just a nod of my head.  I could probably walk right into the White House if I wanted to.  Just wave my hand.

I decided to use it for good… my power.  But they said I was scaring the customers, standing there by the door at the grocery store.  Waving folks in.  I was only trying to help, but they wanted me to leave.  But I didn't want to.  So they arrested me.  They called the cops and had me arrested.  I sure hope all those people are going to be OK.

So, yeah.  How about you?

Carl knew there was no way around it.  This was his bear to cross. 

Who says it can't last and last and last?
Each day just a little bit worse than before,
and the hopes of better times, no more.