My Fellow Americans

With the current state of the economy, a lot of folks are complaining now more than ever about the tax code in our country.  And who can blame them?

The current system we have for paying taxes means that the average person pays for a lot of stuff they will never use.  In a typical town – Your town – you pay local taxes to maintain streets that you never drive on, and for streetlights to light those same streets.  You pay for sidewalks you never walk on.  Parks you never go to.  Schools your children never attend.  Police you never call, and firemen who you never need.  It’s outrageous!  Yet, most folks who weren’t deprived of oxygen for prolonged periods of time in their youth will admit that these are all nice things to have.  Indeed, they are all necessities, except maybe for the schools.  After all, just because I have never called a fireman, doesn’t mean I won’t need to. 

Therefore, I would like to propose a system of fair taxation:  Pay as you go.

Under my plan, every street would become a toll road.  Every sidewalk would become a toll sidewalk.  If your child goes to the Jimmy Carter Junior High School, then you pay tuition that goes just to the Jimmy Carter Junior High.  Why pay for the high school if junior high is as far as he gets?  If you call the fire department, they come, and then you receive a bill.  Get pulled over by the cop?  You receive a bill – not just a ticket, but an itemized statement for the cost of gas, maintenance, and the hourly wage.  Bullets are extra, too.  Want to be sure the food in a restaurant is safe?  Pay for the health inspector.  Use a park?  Entrance fees.  If you want a streetlight in front of your house, you pay the bill.  If you really think that a certain intersection needs traffic control, then buy it.

If people can’t pay, it would encourage them to get out and get a job.  If you don’t pay the firemen, no big deal.  They can bring the fire back.  Don’t pay the cops?  Well, I see nothing wrong with having those folks work off their bill on a chain gang.  Of course, while they’re working, they’ll be housed in jail.  They’ll have to work the cost of that off as well, including their meals and laundering their orange coveralls.  Can’t pay the school?  Your kids don’t go.  Can’t feed your kids?  Oh well.  It’s better that they, and everybody else, learn early on that all that really matters in America is money.

Whereas my plan is intended for local governments, I am currently assessing the possibility of expanding it to a national level.  You don’t want those illegal immigrants working down at the chicken processing plant?  You pay to have them sent back.  If it’s really that important, you won’t mind.  If you really want our troops to protect our country, then buy them some bullets.

What could be more fair?  And isn’t that what we want from our tax system?  Fairness?  Indeed, fairness is what America is all about... that, and money.

I thank you for your support, and, in advance, for sending me the cost of this newsletter.

Senator Leonard K. Bullfinch, US Senator-at-Large

Itemized Bill

Paper                                                   .02

Ink                                                       .01

Envelope                                             .04

Spit                                                      .01

Computer                                   1,500.00

Hourly Wage                                 120.00

Insurance                                       128.39

Toasted Cheese Sandwich                1.98

Total                                           1,750.45