Our Lady of the Americas

Christen taught science and math and a few other things.  No one was really certain what went on in her room, except maybe Christen.  I’m certain, though, that she taught religion.  Before the school year had started all the teachers met for a combination prayer breakfast and teachers’ meeting.  The prayer part of the breakfast was Christen reading from the Bible while the rest of us silently counted the breakfast part of the meeting; there were thirteen of us and only twelve donuts.  Aside from losing her place twice and mispronouncing “Ephesians,” she did alright.   More...

New Stuff! 

Here at HGP we've added two new works, The Secret Society of Spies,
which is a collection of Michael Soetaert's poems illustrated by Donna Stevens,
and the illustrated version of the touching children's story Buddy Badger.
Check ‘em out!

The History of the Future:  The Collected Literary Works of Jerry Jerkensen

June 24^th, 2442:  After having been lost for over 400 years, the collected works of poet and essayist Jerry Jerkensen were discovered on the Internet by a very bored 14 year old in Akron.  Jerry intentionally lost his collected literary works on the Internet before his death in 2019,  because he believed his work was not appreciated by his contemporaries, and could only truly be appreciated with the perspective of time.  Those few acamedians that managed to read through enough to fake the rest, believed that Jerkensen’s lack of appreciation had less to do with perspective, and was mostly due to the fact that he just sucked.  However, giving Jerkensen the benefit of doubt, they intentionally lost his life’s work once again on the Internet.

June 24^th, 2842:  Nope.  It still sucks.

An Open Letter from the Honorable Senator Leonard K. Bullfinch

My Fellow Americans,

The American public is becoming polarized over the topic of gay marriages.  Even though the belief in the sanctity of marriage is at the core of my being, I cannot currently support a Constitutional Amendment that will define marriage.  The current proposed amendment doesn’t go far enough.  Instead, I would like to introduce the Sanctity of Marriage Amendment.  This amendment would not only make it unlawful for gays to wed, but it would also outlaw divorce.  After all, if heterosexuals truly believe in the sanctity of marriage, then they should be opposed to divorce.

My Amendment would also outlaw co-habitation unless both parties involved are married to each other, a marriage of a man and a woman.  I realize that this would be a hard law to enforce; therefore, I propose to make it illegal for anybody to live with anybody else unless they are related.  In certain states relatives may even be forbade from living with each other.  The last thing this country needs, well, maybe the second to the last, or perhaps the third, are two gay people openly living with each other and saying that they are “roommates.”

Premarital sex, whether the couple is living together or not, erodes the sanctity of the marriage.  And so does extramarital sex.  Therefore, my amendment would outlaw sex between anybody who is not married.  Because homosexuals will be forbidden to be married, that kind of sex will be outlawed, too.

And by marriage, we mean marriage in a church, with a preacher.  And when that bride walks down the aisle wearing white, everyone in the congregation will know that she’s not kidding.

Let’s stand up for what has made America great:  The institution of the family that is anchored in the sanctity of marriage.  God bless America!

The Honorable Senator Leonard K. Bullfinch

The Grail

A grail is simply a cup or a bowl.  The Holy Grail supposedly is the cup used by Jesus Christ at the Last Supper, and then, on the following day was used by Joseph of Arimathea, who may or may not have been Jesus’ grand-uncle, (Gigot) to capture the blood and sweat of Jesus as he died on the cross.  Following Jesus’ crucifixion, as the legend goes, Joseph was sealed for many years in a tomb much like the one Jesus was reportedly buried in.  There he was kept alive by food and drink miraculously provided by the cup.  After finally escaping from the tomb, Joseph of Arimathea, along with his family, made their way to England.   Eventually, as the story goes, the Grail came to rest at the Castle Corbenic, where it was guarded over by Joseph’s descendents –the Grail Kings.  (King Arthur in Legend)

And there the Holy Grail remained, both it and the castle lost and forgotten until the legendary King Arthur and his equally legendary Knights of the Round Table, in either the 5^th or 6^th Century, were presented with the task of once again finding the Grail.  (King Arthur)

And so began the Quest for the Holy Grail.  Both Perceval and Lancelot found the Castle Corbenic, but since Perceval didn’t ask for the Grail, it wasn’t offered, and Lancelot, who did ask, wasn’t allowed to see it because he wasn’t pure at heart, which is what happens if you have an affair with King Arthur’s wife, Guinevere.  Galahad, the son of Lancelot, however, was finally allowed into the Grail Chapel because he alone was pure of heart.  Thus completing the Quest for the Holy Grail.  (King Arthur in Legend)

Finding the Grail made Lancelot’s life complete, and he and the Grail reportedly both ascended into heaven.  (King Arthur in Legend)  Or not.  There are still those who continue the Quest for the Holy Grail.

The Quest for the Grail represents pursuing one’s dreams, even if those dreams are seemingly impossible, such as a cat wanting to fly.  It means never giving up and never accepting second best, or close enough.  It is knowing that the Quest itself is more important than what you may find at the end of that Quest.  It is knowing that the Quest truly never ends.

Work Cited

Gigot, Francis. "Joseph of Arimathea."  1910.  The Catholic Encyclopedia.  07 June 2013 http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/08520a.htm

“King Arthur.”  The Camelot Project.  07 June. 2013.  http://www.lib.rochester.edu/camelot/arthmenu.htm

“King Arthur in Legend:  The Holy Grail.”  2011.  Britannia.  07 June 2013.  http://www.britannia.com/history/arthur/grail.html

Why I Hate My Job 

Interview #945:  Rattlesnake Salesperson

I breed and sell rattlesnakes.  Mostly diamondbacks, but we got masagas and sidewinders, too.  You’d be surprised who wants a rattlesnake.  Petting zoos, politicians, religious folk.  We’re on the Internet, you know.  www dot poisonous snake distribution and procurement center of the greater southeast dot com.  We sell them by the inch.  Money back guarantee if they won’t rattle or strike or otherwise put your life in danger.  To this day we have yet to have a dissatisfied costumer.  I can’t speak for the snakes though.  I suppose bein’ in a cage would have its advantages, what with regular meals and all.  It’s hard to ship a rattlesnake across the United Sates, you know.  Do you know there are actually laws prohibiting the retail sale of poisonous snakes in 17 states and the Unincorporated Territory of the United States Virgin Islands?  But that doesn’t stop us.  We have distribution centers.  It’s not illegal to cross state lines with a rattlesnake if you purchased it legally in another jurisdiction.  And here’s somethin’ I bet you didn’t know:  Every snake we sell is bred in captivity.  And that’s a fact.  Did you know it’s technically against the law to use a wild snake in the course of any business?  That there’s Federal.  It’s not hard to breed rattlesnakes, you know.  It’s not like they need mood music or candlelight, but they don’t seem to mind it, either.  The only thing is, the female carries the eggs, so it’s not like they really lay eggs at all.  Why, on the big ones, it’s hard to tell they’re even expectin’.  One day there are all these baby snakes just everywhere.  Those little ones... they really need to be in a glass cage.  I learned that the hard way.  The thing about being in sales, you never know when someone might be interested in purchasing a rattlesnake.  That’s why I never go anywhere without my sample case.  I just have a couple of the smaller ones, but they can give you a good idea of what we offer.  Well, whadaya know?  I wonder where those two have got off to.