by Earl Eldridge

            Ever since Dr. Ivan Tupidsay announced the existence of Cosmic Rats in 1992, debate has raged throughout the scientific community over the reality of this alleged phenomenon. 

            After an exhaustive 17 year survey of the Cosmos, Dr. Tupidsay was able to conclude, much to the shock of astronomers and astrophysicists worldwide, that there is no Cosmic Cheese (Astronomy Today, April 1992).  As his argument follows, it would take Cosmic Mice far too long to devour a hunk of Cosmic Cheese.  The Cosmic Cheese, though, has clearly been eaten, which explains why none can be found.  Therefore, there must be Cosmic Rats, since no other creature would possess such an affinity for Cosmic Cheese.  Cosmic Rats, estimated at being perhaps several light years long, are obviously very adept at hiding.

            Professor Giuseppe Asabuncha, of the Bologna Institute of Technology in Bologna, Italy, has recently announced that Dr. Tupidsay’s research was, at best, horribly flawed.  “His survey was by no means exhaustive.  He only mapped small sections of the Universe…and then extrapolated the rest.  Even those sections he investigated were not representative of the Universe as a whole,” said Professor Asabuncha (Cosmos Quarterly, January 1995)

            Still not satisfied, Professor Asabuncha has begun an independently funded search for Cosmic Cheese, which he is confident will once and for all prove the fallacy of Dr. Tupidsay’s Cosmic Rat Theory.

            Proponents of the Cosmic Rat Theory are quick to point out, however, that even if Cosmic Cheese is discovered it will only strengthen Dr. Tupidsay’s original conclusion.  “It is only logical,” Dr. Tupidsay wrote in the Cosmic Mind (Holy Grail Press, 1995), “that since there are Cosmic Rats there must, therefore, be a cosmic food source.”

            Recently, Messerschmidt and Baum of Southern Cal have proposed a Cosmic Cat Theory to explain why they have been unable to find any Cosmic Rats (Cosmos Quarterly, February 1995).

            “Absolutely ridiculous!” was the response of Dr. Tupidsay.  “It is most obviously an attempt to find a simple explanation for a complex cosmic phenomenon by manufacturing the solution out of pure fiction.”  (Cosmic Mind)

Mr. Eldridge is an associate professor of Astronomy at the University of Milan.  Other articles by Mr. Eldridge have appeared in Cosmos Quarterly, Astronomy Today, and more recently Astrophysicists Digest.  He is currently finishing his doctoral thesis Stars, Planets, and Stuff Like That.