Why I Hate My Job:  Interview #419:  Stuffed Animal Recycler   

I work for a major toy company.  We make all sorts of toys.  The division I work for is a specialty division.   We specialize in making special order stuffed animals.  If you want to put a Teddy bear in every room of your hotel with the hotel’s name embroidered over its heart, we can do that for you.  Easter is our biggest season.  We make a lot of bunnies.  But we always seem to have a lot left over, no matter what season it is.  So... what do you do with all those special ordered rabbits and bears and what-have-you that nobody wants?  We recycle them.  I recycle them.  It’s... it’s an awful job.  We cut their eyes off first.  They have a face... and I cut their eyes off.  They’re hard plastic.  The eyes.  Those are too costly to recycle, so we throw them away.  Then we take out the fiber fill.  I’m told it can’t be used again because of health regulations, but I don’t see why.  So we throw that away, too.  And that leaves the fibers – you know, the cloth around the bunny – but we can only recycle that if it doesn’t have any sort of decal on it – like a company logo – and they always do.  I mean, that’s the entire point of making these animals to begin with.  Really, when it gets down to it, we can only recycle about half the cloth that goes into making it.  It’s really not worth the effort.  Except we can tell our customers that we recycle.  And I know... it’s just cloth and fiber and a few pieces of plastic...  but they have a face.

My fellow Neanderthals:

Never before has the future been so uncertain.  Never before has your vote mattered so much.  And never before have the differences between two candidates been so dramatic, and so obvious.

My esteemed opponent, Og, believes our future lies in technology.  He wants us all to live in caves.  He wants us all to have fire.  He believes our future depends on what he calls the “wheel.”  He wants us to be farmers, as if hunting and gathering weren’t good enough.  It was good enough for my ancestors, and it’s good enough for me!   Why, by Boomer, he would even have you believe there is no such thing as a Thunder God!  And if that weren’t enough, he wants to open up our Valley to all the Homosapiens coming in from the south.  We all know no good will ever come from that!

This I tell you:  There is only one way to restore our former glory.  There is only one way to save ourselves from the evil that is closing in all around us.  There is only one solution to all of our problems.  And that is to return to the trees.  A vote for me, is a vote for the trees!

Subwoofer 

Why I Hate My Job:  Interview #1225:  Christmas Elf   

I’m a Jewish elf.  I’m Jewish, and I’m an elf.  There you have it.  Instead of the funny hat I wear a yarmulke.  That’s the only difference.  Well, aside from the whole religious thing.  But here’s the thing:  If you’re an elf, you work for Santa Claus.  That’s just the way it is.  I don’t have to.  It’s not a rule.  But where else is an elf going to get steady employment?  And dental?  And Santa’s an Equal Opportunity Employer.  He doesn’t care what you believe as long as you can make toys.