An Open Letter from the Most Honorable Senator Leonard K. Bullfinch

My Fellow Americans:

After much deliberation, I have decided to announce my candidacy for the 2016 Presidential Race.  After studying the current field of candidates, I’ve come to the conclusion that those qualities the  American people want in a presidential candidate are nothing, other than I wear a suit.  And I have plenty of those.  I don’t have to have a coherent platform, I don’t have to say anything that makes sense, I don’t have to address the issues, and I don’t even have to be civil.  Pretty much, all I need to do is to show up, and then I don’t even have to do that on a regular basis.  I believe, if you study my record as a Senator, you will find that I am more than qualified to be the next President of the United States of America.  To quote Kinky Friedman’s campaign slogan for Texas Governor, “How hard can it be?”

But let me assure you, even though I am a professional politician, that doesn’t mean I don’t understand the common folk.  Remember:  I’m just like you.  I don’t have a clue.  So please join me on my quest for the White House.  After all, it’s the quest of the American Dream – a four year luxury vacation, and then I can retire and live off the public largess for the rest of my life. 

Thank you for your time, and thank you for your support.

Sen. L.K.B.

St. Filbert’s Day

St. Filbert is the patron saint of woodchucks, marmots, badgers, and (in the UK) hedgehogs.  In 1748, Henri Filbert (on-ree fil-bear), while trapping, was viciously attacked by beavers.  Badly mauled, the beavers left him to die.  Filbert, feeling he had nothing to lose, asked God for a miracle.  The Lord was so inclined.  Several woodchucks (also known as groundhogs) pulled Filbert nearly 22 miles and left him on the doorsteps of a monastery, which Filbert took as a sign, especially since at least five other settlements were closer.  Filbert, after recovering from his wounds (though he now had no ears from the beaver attack, and was missing seven toes after being dragged by the woodchucks), took the Orders and became a monk.  He spent the rest of his life preaching the Gospel to the animals of the forest, right up to the day he was eaten by a bear.  The bear, though, was converted, and though he wasn’t a regular church-goer, he never missed a Holy Day of Obligation.  And that’s two miracles.  And that’s what it takes to be a saint.  St. Filbert’s day is celebrated thirteen days before the first full moon after Groundhog’s day.  This year, in 2016, it falls on February 14.  St. Filbert’s day is traditionally spent indoors, safely barricaded away from all wild animals.