The History of the Future

 The End of Cellular Communication Devices

In the Spring of 2050, MacroSoft Industries introduced what they called the ultimate in hands-free technology for personal communication devices when they combined ear-mounted phones with voice recognition technology.  If you were riding a bicycle, for instance, and you wanted to call your mother, you would first activate the device with a pre-programmed word (such as “phone”), and then with another pre-programmed word (such as “mom”)  you could “speed dial” your mother. 

To avoid accidentally activating and then dialing the phone, it was recommended that users choose words or sounds they wouldn’t normally say in conversation.  In what sociologists concluded was “just plain strange,” everybody, without exception, chose some sort of animal noises.  For instance, an individual could have a rooster crowing to be her activation signal, and then in order to call her best friend, she would simply meow.

Chaos followed.  Of the millions of cell phone users, there simply weren’t enough animals to go around.  Somebody “barking” into his device might accidently speed dial your mother, who might not understand why you’re having that particular conversation at all.  As well, public places, such as bus stations, amusement parks and zoos, often sounded more like a zoo than the actual zoo.  And then there was the whole problem of having to explain to your best friend why her speed dial animal is a pig.  Said one young man from New York, “It just got silly.” 

Within a billing cycle, there weren’t enough cell phone customers left to keep any cellular company in business.  Everybody reverted back to what were once known at “land line” telephones.  Summarizing the attitudes of just about everybody, Amos Gossett of Sedro-Woolley, Washington, stated, “It’s really nice to be able to leave all that junk at home, and to actually have a phone ring instead of somebody barking at you.”

Kenny and Bruce

Kenny and Bruce were these two friends who were always trying to figure out different ways to get money.  You know, just trying to survive.  So Kenny comes up with this idea that they go downtown and take their shirts off and see if anybody were willing to pay them to hit each other.   And people were.  Sometimes they wanted Kenny to hit Bruce, and sometimes they wanted Bruce to hit Kenny.  And sometimes they just paid them to beat the living hell out of each other, often offering whoever won something extra.  And at the end of the night, they always made some pretty serious money, more than they ever made with a guitar.  So one day this guy says he’ll pay Kenny if he hits Bruce with a board.  They’d never used weapons before, and it was easy to see where it could be going, but the guy offered twice as much as they ever made before, so Kenny hit Bruce with the board.  And then one night some guy brought some brass knuckles, and another night this guy had a pair of nunchucks.  And finally, one night this guy pulls out a piece.  And he’s willing to pay Kenny if he’ll shoot Bruce.  And he did.  No hesitation.  Shot him right in the chest.  Because he knew that if it had been the other way around, if the guy had chosen Bruce to shoot Kenny, Bruce would’ve done it.  After all, they had a deal.  And nothing’s worse than somebody who breaks a deal.

The History of the Future

The Vultumites

The first recorded mention of the Vultumite sect of was in the December 2027 issue of the Conscientious Eater magazine.  However, the group’s practices had long been popular in many rural areas of the United States, especially the Ozarks.  The Vultumites believed the only acceptable food was that which had died of natural  causes.  The movement quickly grew in popularity, since it allowed the practitioner the freedom to eat virtually any food he or she wanted (including meat, fish, poultry, and fruits and vegetables) with no guilt, as long as it had died naturally.  The movement’s popularity, however, was short lived, as were many of the followers.  “They was a weird bunch,” said Stone County, Missouri, Deputy Coroner Otto Flood.  “I’m gonna miss ‘em, though.  They really kept the roads clean.”