True Story

Many people thought the world was going to end in 1666 – the whole "666" thing.  In 1666, all of London caught fire and burned to the ground -- probably just a coincidence.  Fortunately, only three people died, give or take.  But you gotta think about those three people.  Not only were they about to die an absolutely horrible death, but they thought the world was ending, to boot.  You gotta imagine they were doing a lot of praying. 

 

"And... time's up!  Let's look at the big board to see how well Larry's last minute prayers are going to stack up...  and there it is!  A 28% forgiveness.  That's one of the highest we've had all week.  Way to go, Larry!  But... unfortunately, you're still at 56%, and you needed at least a 59.5 to qualify for Purgatory.  But we still have a lot nice prizes for you.  Here's Morton to tell you what you get for just being on our show."

 

"That's right, Bob.  For being on our show, Larry gets an all expense paid trip to Hell.  There, he will enjoy an eternity of pain and suffering.  Hell, the very best in damnation.  Way to go, Larry!  After this break we have a busload of nuns that just fell into a canyon in South American.  That should be fun!  Be sure to stay tuned.  This is 'Judgment Day' on the All Apocalypse Network."

History of the Future:  Batter Up! 

In their annual meeting in January of 2026, the Major League Baseball Rules Committee unanimously agreed to ban the playing of short snippets of popular songs before each player’s at bat – walk up songs.  The practice had become popular in the earlier part of the century, but became what the committee called, “Just plain stupid.”

 

Their decision was a direct response to superstar Coco Pebbles’ multi-million dollar contract, which insisted that the Seattle Mariners play the song “F*** th* N***** B***th th***gh th* B****t H*** in H** H*a*” from the album **nc*d **nt by The Ps*ch*tic N*n-N***** **th**f*****s, featuring **w J**ú*.  Pebbles’ contract specifically stated that nothing could be bleeped out. Stated Pebbles, “H***, *o*****u**er, there wouldn’t be nothin’ left.”

 

Immediately after his first at bat, Pebbles’ team mate Raoul Orlau summed up the feelings of apparently every major league baseball player when he stated, “Hell!  If he gets to pick his own song, so do I!”  Raoul chose the opening refrain from “The Sound of Music.”

 

By the end of April, aside from all the stupid songs that had always been played, among others, one could hear at any given ballpark in both the major and minor leagues the National Anthems from nineteen different countries (none of which could be appropriately shortened), the school fight songs from at least 50 universities, as well as high schools, and one junior high, the “Beverly Hillbilly’s” and “Gilligan’s Island” theme songs, as well as the theme from “Peter Gun,” one very loud fart, the Beatle’s “Revolution #9” (in particular the part with the weird crying), “Amazing Grace” and “In the Garden,” the Barney Song, “Happy Birthday to You,” “Rudolf the Red-nosed Reindeer,” “Hava Nigila,” “If You Think I’m Sexy,” and what could best be described as “psychotic screaming from a hamster on drugs.”

 

Perhaps a fan in St. Louis said it best when she stated, “I don’t think I was ever more ready for a season to end.  It makes me thankful we didn’t make the playoffs.”

Tit for Tat

Man, I gotta get me some of that tat....

 

Aside from the hopes of many adolescent boys, "tit" originally referred to something small, and came to be associated with small birds, which, in turn, came to be called "tits," such as the titmouse and the bushtit.  And that, I suppose, makes the term "big tits" an oxymoron.

 

 

American Bushtits  (Psaltriparus mimimus) 

 

"Tat," on the other hand, means anything cheap or poorly made.  So "tit for tat" means you're giving something small for something cheap, which is a fair trade, more or less – you're getting what you paid for.  Seen a slightly different way, tit for tat means equivalent retaliation.  If somebody whacks you, you whack them back.  

 

Halloween and Satanism – They Are Not the Same

Every year as Halloween approaches, there are those who decry it as a Satanic holiday that should not be celebrated by anybody, much less by Christians.  Certainly, there are those who call themselves "Satanists," and these folks celebrate various holidays throughout the year.  And, according to High Priestess Blanche Barton of the Church of Satan, Halloween is definitely one of those holidays they celebrate. (Barton)  As well, Halloween is one of the eight Pagan Sabbats that Wiccans celebrate as part of their Wheel of the Year, those holidays that correspond to the planet's orbital position.  Halloween – Samhain – falls halfway between the Autumnal Equinox – Mabon – and the Winter Solstice – Yule. (Wigington)

 

 

But just because a Satanist or a Pagan (and there is a difference) celebrates any given holiday, including Halloween, doesn't mean that holiday is Satanic.  A holiday can only be Satanic if it were created with the purpose of celebrating Satan, or it is a holiday that existed before and now is only celebrated by those claiming to be Satanists.  After all there are Satanists who celebrate Christmas, but that doesn't make Christmas a Satanic holiday.  We just can't call Halloween Satanic because we think it might be, or because some folks who should know better say that it is... and we believe them.  This is not a religious argument.  It has nothing to do with faith.  The object is to discover whether historic research will show that Halloween derives from Satanic origins.  And it doesn't.

 

Certainly there are many websites that claim Halloween is a Satanic holiday.  However, the majority of these appear to be written by Christian writers.  Trusting a Christian source for the "truth" about Satanism would be just as foolish as trusting a Satanic source for the "truth" of Christianity.  To determine if Halloween is a Satanic "holiday," we will need to know just what "Satanism" is, as well as the history of Halloween itself.

 

Setting aside a day to celebrate "All Christian martyrs of Faith" – namely the Catholic faith – dates to the Fourth Century of the Common Era.  In 615 CE, Pope Boniface IV set aside May 13 as "The Feast of All Martyrs."  By 741, the feast had expanded to include all saints in heaven, not just martyrs.  By 840 the Holy Day's title was changed to "Feast of All Saints," both those known and unknown.  And in 844 the Feast of All Saints (or as it is commonly called, "All Saints' Day") was moved to November 1, (Miller) where it remains.

 

It was only after there was an All Saints Day that there could be an All Saints – or All Hallowed -- evening.  "Halloween" literally means "hallowed evening." (Donovan)  When All Saints Day was moved to the first of November in 844, that made October 31 Halloween.  However, the word "Halloween" didn't come into existence until around 1745, and it wasn't until 1785 that the word became popular with the publication of the Scottish poet Robert Burn's poem "Halloween." (Halloween)

 

It is suggested that All Saints Day was moved to November First to coincided with the harvest, so there would be plenty of food to feed those returning from their pilgrimages before winter set in. (Connelly)  More than likely, Halloween was moved as an "alternative" holiday for the Pagan festival of Samhain, which was on October 31.  (Halloween 2019)  Moving Christian holidays to counter already existing Pagan holidays was common.  For instance, Pope Julius I moved Christmas to December 25 to correspond with the various holidays celebrated by just about everybody else on or around the Winter Solstice.   (The Celebration of Christmas)

 

Samhain (pronounced "sah-win") means "summer's end" in Gaelic, (Radford) and it pre-dates Christianity by more than a thousand years. (Celts)  Though a whole lot isn't known about the ancient festival, we do know that "it was an annual communal meeting at the end of the harvest year, a time to gather resources for the winter months and bring animals back from the pastures."  (Radford) 

 

Whether or not Samhain had anything to do with the dead is open for debate.  While some researchers claim that the Celts performed many "ritualistic ceremonies..." including wearing costumes in an attempt "to connect to spirits," (Donovan) others claim that "'there is no hard evidence that Samhain was specifically devoted to the dead or to ancestor worship.'"  (Radford)  In the end, it seems that "Samhain was less about death or evil than about the changing of seasons and preparing for the dormancy (and rebirth) of nature as summer turned to winter...."  (Radford)

 

And then there's the age difference.  The entire idea of "Satanism" is fairly recent relative to the history of humankind, and especially that of the Christian religion.  "The terms 'Satanism' and 'Satanist' can be traced back to the 1560s — not as a religious designation one ascribed to oneself, but as a way of describing someone with a 'satanic disposition.'" (Dickinson)  As such, "Satanism existed primarily as an accusation by various Christian groups toward perceived ideological opponents, rather than a self-identity..." with no true evidence that the majority of those accused of practicing Satanism were guilty of anything other than not being liked by those in power.  (Satanism)  Indeed, it is stated that "The concept of Satanism is an invention of Christianity, for it relies upon the figure of Satan, a character deriving from Christian mythology." (Satanism) 

 

Satanism, as a practiced religion, did not exist before 1966, when the Church of Satan was established by Anton LeVey in San Francisco.  (Dickinson)  That's not to say there haven't been those throughout history that did purposefully worship the idea of Satan.  Throughout the majority of European history, for instance, the concept of separating church from state was unheard of.  So for the oppressed lower classes, "Satanism was the ultimate anti-establishment party."  Those from the ruling class, on occasion, also sought out Satan as an alternative to the strict morals of the time. (Dickinson)

 

Therefore, the Celts did not create the original holiday of Samhain to celebrate Satan,  because they "...did not worship anything resembling the Christian devil and had no concept of it."  As well, by the time the Catholic Church started persecuting those they deemed "satanic," the Celts were no longer celebrating anything.  They were long gone.  (Radford) And what Samhain eventually became – Halloween – was not created as a Satanic holiday, either.  Far from it.  It grew out of a Christian holiday.  If anything, Halloween is Christian, not Satanic. 

 

In the end, Halloween is only Satanic if you want it to be.  But then, that's probably true of everything.  Granted, if you hold out your goody bag and say, "All Hail, Satan!" instead of "Trick or Treat," you're probably going to get far less treats.

 

Work Cited

Barton, High Priestess Blanche.  "Halloween XXXIV."  Church of Satan.  Church of Satan (2019):  n. pag.  Web.  22 July 2019  https://www.churchofsatan.com/halloween-xxxiv/

"Celts."  History.  A & E Television Networks, LLC (30 Nov. 2017):  n. pag.  Web.  22 July 2019  https://www.history.com/topics/ancient-history/celts

"The Celebration of Christmas."  Mother Bedford.  Mother Bedford  (2006):  n. pag.  Web.  29 July 2019  http://www.motherbedford.com/Christmas.htm

Connelly, Stephen.  "The Real Meaning of Pilgrimage for Catholics."  Catholic Faith Store.  Catholic Faith Store:  n. pag.  Web.  22 July 2019  https://www.catholicfaithstore.com/daily-bread/real-meaning-pilgrimage-catholics/

Dickinson, Kevin.  "The Origins of Satanism:  A Humanist History?"  Big Think.  Big Think  (27 June 2019):  n. pag.  Web.  22 July 2019  https://bigthink.com/culture-religion/satanism

Donovan, Blair, and Marissa Gold.  "Here's the Real History of Halloween and Why We Celebrate It on October 31." Country Living.  Hearst (24 June 2019):  n. pag.  Web.  22 July 2019  https://www.countryliving.com/entertaining/a40250/heres-why-we-really-celebrate-halloween/

"Halloween."  Wikipedia.  Wikipedia Foundation, Inc. (13 July 2019):  n. pag.  Web.  22 July 2019  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Halloween

"Halloween 2019."  History.  A & E Television Networks, LLC.  (18 Nov. 2018):  n. pag.  Web.  22 July 2019  https://www.history.com/topics/halloween/history-of-halloween

Miller, Gregory.  "History of All Hallows Eve."  Catholic Culture.  CatholicCulture.org (2003):  n. pag.  Web.  22 July 2019  https://www.catholicculture.org/culture/liturgicalyear/overviews/months/10_2.cfm

Radford, Benjamin.  "History of Halloween."  Live Science.  Purch (18 Sept. 2017):  n. pag.  Web.  22 July 2019  https://www.livescience.com/40596-history-of-halloween.html

"Satanism."  Wikipedia.  Wikipedia Foundation, Inc.  (25 June 2019):  n. pag.  Web.  22 July 2019  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Satanism

Wigington, Patti.  "The 8 Pagan Sabbats."  Learn Religions.  Dash (25 May 2019):  n. pag.  Web.  29 July 2019  https://www.learnreligions.com/eight-pagan-sabbats-2562833

Columbus Day

In a country where we carved a monument to four of our presidents on a mountain in the middle of what many Native Americans consider their most sacred ground, it really shouldn’t surprise anybody that we still celebrate Columbus Day.

 

We all know the story of Columbus.  After all, he discovered America!  Never mind the millions of people who were already living throughout North and South America and the Caribbean.  Never mind that the Vikings had been here on numerous occasions and even had established outposts in the New World.  (Columbus Day in the United States)  And never mind that there is fairly conclusive evidence that the North and South American continents had been reached by both Chinese explorers (Kolesnikov-Jessop) and quite possibly even Polynesian explorers. (Jones)  It’s Columbus whom we give the credit to!  And why not?  After all, it is his “Discovery” that led to the European conquest of the New World.

 

In actuality, Columbus “discovered” very little of the New World.  Instead of being seen as an intrepid explorer, he should probably be seen more as a “hapless navigator [who] misjudged the circumference of the Earth and landed instead on the Bahamas. He later sailed on to Cuba and to Hispaniola (now Haiti), which he mistakenly believed to be the East Indies,”  (Columbus Day:  Celebration and Controversy)  but he never got as far as mainland America. (Columbus Day in the United States)

 

Those places that Columbus actually made it to, as well as those he left for others to “discover,” were not barren lands devoid of human life.  It is estimated that there were between 90-112 million people living in the Americas prior to Columbus’ arrival.  That’s more than the entire European population at the time. (Dangl)  But not for long. 

 

Columbus almost immediately forced the natives into slavery, and he reportedly “imposed barbaric forms of punishment, including torture” on those who resisted. (Columbus Day) Indeed, on his very first day in the New World it is reported that Columbus used “violent force to enslave six natives.”  And, “While ruling as Governor and Viceroy of the Caribbean, Columbus killed [and then] paraded dead natives through the streets to deter unrest by the natives. Columbus also used force to make native peoples search for gold and to convert them to Christianity.”   (Columbus Day:  Celebration and Controversy)

 

And this is consistent with Columbus.  Before he became an explorer, he was in the business of transporting people from “West Africa to Portugal to be sold as slaves.”  Indeed, Columbus has the distinction of being the first person to bring slaves to the New World.  (Transform Columbus Day 2011)  As well, Columbus was the first to bring slaves from the New World back to Europe, shipping off “thousands of peaceful Taino 'Indians' from the island of Hispaniola to be sold into Spanish slavery.” (Columbus Day:  Celebration and Controversy)

 

But then, in all fairness, Columbus didn’t come to the Americas to celebrate diversity.  “Gold and conquest were the driving reasons behind the historic voyage.” (Columbus Day:  Celebration and Controversy)  That the native population was dying off in droves seemed to matter little to the Europeans.

 

By far the biggest killer was the diseases that the Europeans brought, such as smallpox and influenza, “which ‘would likely have traveled much faster than the European settlers themselves.’”  (Than)  For instance, it is estimated that 90% of those native people living in coastal New England died from Hepatitis A within three years, and, overall, “Within [the] first years of European contact, 95% of native populations died.”  (Dangl)  That’s between 85 million and 106 million people who died as a direct result of European contact – as a direct result of Columbus. 

 

And this is consistent with studies published by the National Geographic Society.  Research based on genetic studies shows that within just a few years of Columbus’ arrival in the New World the indigenous population reached an all-time low, which was caused by “a wave of disease, warfare, and enslavement in the New World that had devastating effects for indigenous populations across the Americas.” (Than)

 

If we give Columbus credit for discovering America, then perhaps we should give him credit for the genocide of upwards to 100 million people.  If so, he is probably the biggest mass murderer of all time... hands down.  What a guy!  In all fairness, Columbus is an historical figure that represents perhaps the worst in all of us.  But why do we celebrate such a figure?  For that, we give credit to the Italian-American community.

 

The first official celebration of Columbus Day in the United States was in 1792, “when New York's Columbian Order–better known as Tammany Hall–held an event to commemorate the historic landing's 300th anniversary.” (Columbus Day)  One hundred years later, In 1892, “President Benjamin Harrison issued a proclamation encouraging Americans to mark the 400th anniversary of Columbus' voyage....”  (Columbus Day)  It was in 1937 that Columbus Day was declared a national holiday by President Franklin D. Roosevelt,  (Columbus Day in the United States) “largely as a result of intense lobbying by the Knights of Columbus, an influential Catholic fraternal benefits organization.” (Columbus Day)  Not content with just a national holiday, in 1971 President Nixon declared Columbus Day to be a Federal Holiday, meaning that federal employees, among others, now get the day off. (Columbus Day:  Celebration and Controversy)  It was also in 1971 that Columbus Day moved from being observed on the traditional day of October 12 to the second Monday in October.  (Columbus Day in the United States)  Columbus Day continues to be celebrated across the United States through various events, such as parades and even special church services.  Although, “Most celebrations are concentrated around the Italian-American community,” especially in San Francisco and New York.   (Columbus Day in the United States)

 

Columbus Day is, understandably, not without opposition, which “...dates back to the 19th century, when anti-immigrant groups in the United States rejected the holiday because of its association with Catholicism.”  More recently, Columbus Day has been opposed by Native Americans, who see it as “...an event that indirectly resulted in the colonization of the Americas and the death of millions. (Columbus Day)  The result of this opposition is that many communities across the United States, and even entire states, have stopped celebrating Columbus Day.  For instance, Columbus Day is no longer “a public holiday in California, Nevada and Hawaii.” (Columbus Day in the United States)  In Hawai‘i it has become Discoverer's Day, “which commemorates the arrival of Polynesian settlers,” (Columbus Day) in South Dakota, Columbus Day is now known as Native Americans’ Day, and in Berkeley, California, it is known as Indigenous People’s Day.  As well, Columbus Day is known as Dìa de la Raza (Day of the Race) in many Latino communities, both in the United States and throughout Latin America, and since 2002 it has become Dìa de la Resistencia Indìgena (Day of Indigenous Resistance) in Venezuela. (Columbus Day in the United States)

 

Columbus Day, regardless of what you call it, will be observed in 2020 on Monday, October 12^th, which means that for this year, the Federal Holiday and the actual "holiday" are on the same day, and that means you can only celebrate it once.

 

 

Work Cited

“Columbus Day.”  2012.  History.com.  02 Oct. 2012.  http://www.history.com/topics/columbus-day

 

 

“Columbus Day:  Celebration and Controversy.”  12. Oct. 2009.  Education Insider.  02 Oct. 2012.  http://education-portal.com/articles/Columbus_Day_Celebration_and_Controversy.html

 

 

“Columbus Day in the United States.”  2012.  timeandate. com.  02 Oct. 2012.   http://www.timeanddate.com/holidays/us/columbus-day

 

 

Dangl, Benjamin.  “1491:  The Truth About the Americas Before Columbus.”  10 June 2006.  Upside Down World.  02 Oct. 2012.  http://upsidedownworld.org/main/international-archives-60/320-1491-the-truth-about-the-americas-before-columbus

 

 

Jones, Terry.  “Abstract: Polynesian Contacts with the New World.”  2012.  Archeological Institute of America.  02 Oct. 2012.  http://www.archaeological.org/lectures/abstracts/5824

 

 

Kolesnikov-Jessop, Sonia.  “Did Chinese Beat Out Columbus?”  25 June 2005.  The New York Times.  02 Oct. 2012.  http://www.nytimes.com/2005/06/24/arts/24iht-chinam.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

 

 

Than, Ker.  “Massive Population Drop Found for Native Americans, DNA Shows:  Genetic data supports accounts of decline following European contact.”  05 Dec. 2011.  National Geographic.  02 Oct. 2012.  http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2011/12/111205-native-americans-europeans-population-dna-genetics-science/

 

 

“Transform Columbus Day 2011.”  2011.  Transform Columbus Day Alliance.  02 Oct. 2012.  http://www.transformcolumbusday.org/

 

Good Headhunters

Do good headhunters go to heaven
If they've lived a good headhunter's life?
If they've said their headhunter prayers,
and been good headhunter husbands and wives?

If they've never hunted heads out of season,
and always did their headhunting-est best,
do good headhunters go to heaven
when good headhunters are laid to rest?

And at night do they sit and wonder,
instead of going to their headhunter beds,
if good white people go to heaven
if they've never hunted a head?