Dear Brother Bidwell,

While sitting in church last Sunday, it occurred to me that religion is nothing more than a service that people pay for – willingly... and a lot.  I imagine in the US alone it’s a multi-billion dollar industry.  And, in essence, it’s the perfect business.  There is no inventory.  And you don’t have to pay taxes.  Since you use your building one, maybe two days a week, there’s very little overhead.  And that means you can rent it out on your days off.  And you would get a lot of days off, especially if you could afford an assistant pastor to do Sunday evenings and Wednesdays.  Being a pastor is a lot like being a psychologist, only there is no regulatory agency to make sure what your doing is legit in the least.  So, what I want to know is, how does one go about becoming a pastor?

Signed, Curious

Dear Curious,

There are many paths to serving the Lord.  One could attend any of the fine seminaries that are just about everywhere, including the Internet.  There are even those who chose to be self-ordained, though it’s truly hard to make a nice diploma to hang in your office when you do it yourself.  And, might I add, it does seem to be a bit easier to foster a growing congregation when you’ve actually read the Bible.  But that shouldn’t be a deterrent.  I do welcome all those who chose to join the Brotherhood of the Cloth.  And Lord knows, we could use all the help we can get in spreading God’s word.  However, the calling to become a pastor is not one to be taken lightly, especially in a market that is so over-saturated, such as is found here in Southwest Missouri.  Might I suggest Texas?

On the recommendation of our legal counsel, The Holy Grail Press would like to formally apologize for our recent absence.  Because of an unfortunate string of events (both figuratively and literally), our entire staff has spent the last two months in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, after we were mistakenly tied to a terrorist plot to unwind the world’s largest ball of twine.  We would also like to apologize to the city of Darwin, Minnesota, and particularly, to the late Francis Johnson, who rolled that remarkable ball of twine all by himself (unlike the ball in Cawker, Kansas, that was rolled by more than one slightly crazed individual, not that there’s anything wrong with being slightly crazed, and not that we actually ever said or did anything to disparage either that fine town or that truly insane man).  We do realize that there is merit in doing something that benefits absolutely nobody in the world, except maybe those who take pride in the ridiculous and the mundane, which would include everybody here at HGP, with perhaps the exception of... well... nobody.  Even though there are those of us here at HGP who still snigger at the thought of such an American icon as the world’s largest ball of twine being unwound, regardless of who might undertake such a ridiculous task, we would like it to be known that we would never partake in such an act, nor would we condone it by a third party.  The Holy Grail Press would also like to thank President Obama, for suspending the practice of water boarding, but not before the Reverend Bidwell was interrogated.