Thought for the Time Being

Anybody who says anything is more important than money already has money. 

Godzilla versus Porky the Pig 

Autumn Crows

Autumn are the days
of the crow,
picking incessantly
at the dead things
in the road.

They laugh
with the contagious cough
of old funeral ladies
who crackle the dead leaves
that hide behind the stones.

Having picked
the broken bones bare,
they rise like black shrouds
tangled in the air.

And then they fade.

Redneck PPE 

The History of the Future:  The Eensie Weensie Spider

April 7, 2117

In a unanimous decision, the Supreme Court ruled for the plaintiff in Lars Gundersenn v Everybody.  Lars’ great-great-great-great-great grandfather, “Spydyr” Gundersenn, had written a promotional song for his extermination business in the early 20th century.  The Justices agreed that Spydyr’s ditty was the inspiration for the classic children’s song “The Eensie Weensie Spider.”  They further ruled that “The Eensie Weensie Spider” was the inspiration behind the phrase “Surfing the web.”

As Spydyr’s only surviving heir, the Court ruled that Lars was therefore entitled to all profits made from the term “Surfing the web,” which meant that he was entitled to all profits ever made on the Internet, which, they concluded, was everything.

 

April 8, 2117

In Everybody v Lars Gundersenn, the Supreme Court unanimously ruled that owning everything was the same as owning nothing, which was exactly what Lars was entitled to.  They did, however, allow Lars to keep his trousers.

Origasmi:  The Ancient Art of folding paper into sex toys 

Why There are No Stupid Animals 

An Open Letter from the Honorable Leonard K. Bullfinch

 

My Fellow Americans,

 

I, Senator Leonard K. Bullfinch, am proud to announce that I have been chosen as the honorary spokesman for the NRA – the National Rattlesnake Association. 

 

As Americans, we are all blessed with certain inalienable rights.  We have the right to say what we darn well want when we darn well want to say it.  We have the right to worship wherever and whatever we so please, be it Baptist or Methodist.  And we have the right to defend ourselves from those who would want to take these rights, these freedoms, away from us. 

 

And there is no better way to defend ourselves than by owning and carrying live rattlesnakes.  Therefore, I urge all Americans to become a member of the National Rattlesnake Association.

 

As a member of the National Rattlesnake Association, we believe that every citizen has the right to protect himself and his family, be that threat real or imaginary.  We further believe that there is no better way to protect yourself than with a live rattlesnake.  After all, what could be more American than a rattlesnake?  And a rattlesnake is more effective than a handgun, in that it doesn’t need to be aimed, it won’t show up on a metal detector, and should you ever be incapacitated or caught unawares, it will act on its own.  As well, it never needs to be reloaded.  Think of the money you will save every year on bullets alone.  And then there is the peace of mind that a price cannot be placed upon.

 

Just the thought that you may be carrying a concealed rattlesnake should make any would be villain think twice.  And should someone want to break into your home, knowing that there could be a rattlesnake coiled behind your home entertainment center would make any burglar wish he’d gone to trade school instead.  Indeed, that burglar would have no idea where that snake might be hiding.  And let me tell you, any rapist is going to think twice before exposing any of his more delicate body parts, not knowing just where that snake might be.  That sort of peace of mind is something that every man owes his wife and his family.

 

There are those who counter that rattlesnakes are inherently dangerous, especially if you have children or pets living in the home.  To them I say, “Poo.”  First of all, a rattlesnake is all the pet you will ever need.  And children can be taught not to play with it, just as they can be taught not to play with handguns.  And if you line a playpen with Plexiglas, why, there’s no way that snake is going to get in there.  As an added bonus, you will no longer have to worry about rodents and other vermin in your house. 

 

Therefore, I urge every God fearing American to join the National Rattlesnake Association. 

Your membership includes:

·         Your very own live rattlesnake, guaranteed to be at least three feet long, which will be delivered inside of your home absolutely free of charge.

·         You will also receive an official decal you can place in the rear window of your car or on the front door of your home to let would be thieves know they’d better think twice before they go after your stereo.

·         And you will get our semi-monthly newsletter, “Recoil,” that will keep you updated on current legislation, local rattlesnake clubs, and other information vital to being an informed citizen. 

·         As well, you will receive discounts from our catalogue on such items as National Rattlesnake Association apparel and NRA snake bite kits. 

·         And if you order by Veterans Day, you will receive your very own NRA snake tongs, suitable for handling rattlesnakes up to four feet long, or flipping burgers on your grill.

Joining is easy.  Just send 59.95, plus 38.50 for shipping, in care of Senator Leonard K. Bullfinch at the Holy Grail Press.  Sorry, cash only.  And before you know it, you will have your very own rattlesnake curled up somewhere in your home, protecting you and your loved ones from all the evil in the world.

Thank you, and may God bless you and all true Americans.

 

 

Labor Day

My Fellow Americans,

The United States of America has been observing the Labor Day holiday on the first Monday of September since 1882.  According to the United States Department of Labor, an agency of our very own government, Labor Day “is a creation of the labor movement and is dedicated to the social and economic achievements of American workers.”

I may be just a country boy who went to a small country school, but I know that people who are “dedicated to …social achievements” are nothing more than socialists.  And anybody who has studied communism at all, knows that the only thing those godless pinkos are concerned with is the “worker.”  Let me ask you this:  Where would the worker be without people to create those jobs they work at?  Nowhere, that’s where.

Therefore, any way you look at it, Labor Day is a “holiday” devoted to socialism, and where you have a socialist, communists can’t be far behind.  And there is nothing more that the communists would like to see than our great country fall in ruins.  This cannot be allowed.

Our country was not made great by people staying home and sleeping in.  We did not create our unparalleled nation by our workers going on picnics and having barbecues… and getting paid just the same as if they were at work.  It was made through work, hard work.  And if we want to keep our nation great, then we can’t stop working, not even for a day.  And we certainly can’t be asking for the job creators to be giving us money when we’ve done nothing to earn it.  No wonder productivity has fallen in this once great nation of ours.

Therefore, I propose that the Labor Day holiday truly become a labor day.  It will be a day where everybody is required to go to work and not get paid for it.  Imagine how much more money the job creators would have to create jobs if everybody in the country worked for free just one day of the year… or two… or more.  Why, if nobody ever got paid at all, just imagine how much more productive our great nation would be! 

So this year on Labor Day, I am asking all Americans to go the work just the same.  And if they give you extra money, or any money at all, you need to give it back.  And if they won’t take it, then you can send it to me.  It’s the American thing to do.

Thank You,

Senator Leonard K. Bullfinch (at-large)