Me?  I’m a professional game show contestant.  I mean, I’m not really a contestant.  I’m just one of the people in the audience.  I don’t work for any show in particular.  I work for an agency, really.  They call if there’s a game show that doesn’t have a full audience.  When the camera scans the audience, they want to show a packed house – like people actually care for “Who’s the Lunatic” or “What Price Your Soul.”  It’s pretty steady work if you’re willing to dress like an onion.

Really, it’s not that hard, especially since they never zoom in on the audience, unless, of course, you happen to be standing next to somebody’s brother-in-law.  The trick is to act like it actually matters.  Like somebody is really going to get to take home $12,000 and the camper.

Thing is, though, I can never be an actual contestant.  Ever.  That’s part of the contract.  It’s like sitting on the bench and knowing that no matter what the score, no matter who gets injured, you’re never getting called into the game.  But I do get to be on TV.  I’ve appeared in 1,293 game shows.  Not very many people can say that, you know.  It’s steady work for an actor, and you don’t really even have to act at all.

 

 

Every Tuesday I go to the Line Club.  We call ourselves the Line Club because we all have psychological compulsions to form lines.  Se we decided instead of meeting once a week to try and talk ourselves out of it, we’d just get together and form lines.  There’s nothing really wrong with that, is there?  We’re not hurting anybody.

 

See, the thing is, we all need each other so we know we’re all not crazy.  You know, you start having thoughts like we do and you’re the only one thinking them, then all of us are in trouble.  But if all of us are having the same thoughts, well, then, it’s normal.  I know it’s not a clinical definition of sanity, but it’s close enough for us, and it’s cheaper than a therapist.

 

Have you ever seen one of those signs that says:  “Form Line Here”?  I did.  Only there was nobody there except me.  You can’t form a line all by yourself.  Look up the definition:  A group of persons arranged in a row.  It’s a physical impossibility to do that by yourself.

 

So I started to look for people to form a line with.  You know, it’s hard to get strangers to form a line with you.  That’s when I found out there were others out there like me.  And just like me, they were all just looking for a line to stand in.  And we’re not crazy anymore.  And we get together every week and we stand in line.

 

Thing is, most people have never tried it... standing in line for no reason.  Standing in line because you just want to.  But I think you would like it.  Would you?  Would you stand in line with me?  Please?