The History of the Future:  National Nothing Day

By Congressional Act, symbolically signed into law on October 13, 2017, October 13 was set aside as National Nothing Day, after it was discovered that it was the only remaining day on the calendar that wasn’t already set aside as a national day for one thing or another.  Though SPAN, the Society for the Preservation of Anything Normal, expected a major fight with the Greeting Card Industry, surprisingly there was no opposition.  Overall, in 2017 the Greeting Card Industry reported a profit of 148 billion dollars, an increase of nearly 5% over the previous year, which they attributed to their newly introduced line of National Nothing Day cards.

The Readjustment of Time

Part of Mandrake Chapman’s ongoing series, The History of the Future

As early as the late Twentieth Century, there was a move underway to coordinate the world’s major governments and corporations with the International Atomic Clock (IAC).  In short, there was a move underway to establish a standard world time that everybody everywhere would be coordinated with.  There were several agreeable reasons, though none that was exceeding compelling, why doing so would be a good idea.  Most dealt with commerce, and communications, and communications about commerce.   However, even then there were those who were alarmed that doing such a thing would cause something potentially bad, but they really weren’t quite sure what that might be.  Understandably, their cries were ignored.

Though many individuals and companies had been using the IAC for their time standards since its inception in the mid-20^th Century, it was in late 2031 that Tell-All, the world’s largest telecommunication provider, adopted the IAC as the standard for all of its communication devices.  Soon, all hand held communication devices everywhere, as well as all computers, were linked to the IAC.  Therefore, whatever time you had on your phone was the exact time that everybody else in the world saw, down to the nanosecond.  Except, of course, for the differences in time zones.

Because everybody knew that the time on their cell phone was absolutely right, that became the world standard for the increasingly few clocks that had still not been linked to the IAC.  Even clocks on such mundane appliances  as coffeemakers and microwave ovens had been linked to the IAC.  And whenever there was a discrepancy between the IAC and an unlinked clock, it was always assumed that the IAC was the one that was correct, regardless of how much the unlinked clock might be off.

In the Spring of 2033… maybe… the most influential businessmen in the West were all approached by a man who was known simply as Kevin.  Kevin announced to these businessmen that he had control of the IAC.  In fact, he had been manipulating the world’s time for the past several years, slowing it down and speeding it up as he saw fit.  What Kevin offered to the highest bidder was the ability to control time.  It was the ability to stretch the work day out into twelve hours while the workers are thinking they’re only working eight, and then to make up the difference by shortening the nights.  There really would be a reason why the nights go by so fast, but these afternoons, man, do they drag on and on. 

Kevin further threatened that if they didn’t take him up on his generous offer he would shut down the IAC, and, consequently, every clock in the world.  Undoubtedly, everyone believed Kevin to be barking mad and refused to pay, but in a cordial manner, of course.  What followed was a relatively brief discourse in which Kevin insisted that he wasn’t bluffing, and the businessmen assured Kevin that neither were they, all the while both sides becoming increasingly less cordial, until finally, they called Kevin’s bluff.  If he bloody well wanted to shut off all the clocks in the world, then he best get to it.  So, much to their collective surprise, Kevin did.  Virtually every clock in the world either went blank or to flashing twelves, letting on that it no longer knew what time it was, and quite frankly, neither did you.  In fact, you truly could no longer say with any certainty what day of the week it actually was.

To be certain, there was quite a bit of chaos.  There were panicking and riots.  There was a bit of widespread mayhem where thousands of people lost their lives, and several major financial markets in the world lost all they had, too.  It was hard to tell, though, if all that happened were a direct result of Kevin, or just the sort of thing happened on a regular basis in the world anyway.

Really, on the whole, not much changed at all, except everybody suddenly had a vivid lesson in relativity, the kind Einstein only dreamed of.  It didn’t take the officials long before somebody figured out what was probably fairly close to a second, and from there the rest was easy.  By then, however, everybody had lost all real respect for time, and the suffix “ish” became standard for any measurement of time that was required to be anywhere close to precise, and those that didn’t need to be at that level of precision were generally ignored altogether.  Birthdays were worried about a lot less.  People got less excited about anniversaries of any kind.  For the most part appointments became a question of eventually, showing up to work was more a matter of whenever, and going to lunch and actually coming back was pretty much “around then.”  Leaving work at the end of the day, however, remained spot on.

And Kevin?  He wasn’t hard to catch.  People who come up with schemes like that aren’t usually at University on athletic scholarships, so there wasn’t a whole lot of chasing that needed to be done.  And when he was caught, he was more than willing to make a deal.  He claimed he had wiped all the clocks clear but one – the one he still had.  And that’s probably why they let him go.  After all, they figured, it was probably punishment enough to be the only person in the whole world who truly knows what time it is, but nobody else cares.

 

The Emperor shows his appreciation after being told that he was naked. 

Friday the Thirteenth

It seems the idea of Friday the Thirteenth comes from earlier superstitions that both the number 13 and Friday are unlucky.  When they come together… what do you suspect?

In many cultures, 12 represents a “complete” number.  After all, it is the smallest number that can be divided by 2,3, & 4.  Think of all the things we know that come by the dozen – months, hours, inches, apostles, the 12 tribes of Judism, the 12 gods of Olympus, dice, donuts, and eggs.  Thirteen… just mucks things up.  As well, there are even old Norse and Jewish legends that say if 13 people dine, then one of them is going to die.  A good thing to keep in mind when inviting people to your Friday the 13^th parties.  Just consider the Last Supper from Christian mythology.  It was on a Friday, and there were 13 present.  Why it is referred to as Good Friday is beyond me.

And Friday is unlucky because… well, it just is.  Really, nobody seems to have cared about Friday the 13^th before the 19^th century.  The earliest record in the English language of Friday the Thirteenth being unlucky is that of a British journalist in 1869, but since then we’ve developed all sorts of phobias.

“The fear of Friday the 13th is called friggatriskaidekaphobia (Frigga being the name of the Norse goddess for whom ‘Friday’ is named and triskaidekaphobia meaning fear of the number thirteen).”  Of course, not everybody sees Friday the 13^th as unlucky. The Chinese, for instance, believe the number 13 is lucky.  But then, there are those who believe that it is unlucky to be Chinese.  Seriously:  Chinophobia is the fear of Chinese people, Chinese customs, and anything else Chinese.  As far as that goes, there a phobia for fearing American:  Amerophobia.  But why stop there?  Xenophobia is pretty much the fear of everybody who isn’t you, and Autophobia is the fear of yourself.  And then there’s Panophobia:  The fear of everything.

So is Friday the 13^th really unlucky?  According to a study done in Britain, there are actually fewer accidents on Friday the 13^th than other random combinations of week days and days of the months.  But that could be because, as the study pointed out, fewer people leave their homes on Friday the 13^th, and on that day, overall, people tend to be more cautious.

Me?  I think I’ll err on the side of caution and stay in the house all day.

By the way, there are three Friday the 13^ths in 2012:  January, April, and July.  Indeed, it would be a rare year that didn’t have at least one Friday the Thirteenth.

 

 

Work Cited

“Amerophobia.”  2011.  Boredom Relief.  11 Jan. 2012.  http://www.blifaloo.com/info/phobias.php

“Chinophobia.”  2011.  Boredom Relief.  11 Jan. 2012.  http://www.blifaloo.com/info/phobias.php

 “Friday the 13^th.”  27 Dec. 2011.  Wikipedia.  30 Dec. 2011.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friday_the_13th

“The Phobia List.”  17 July 1995.  phobialist.com.  11 Jan. 2012.  http://phobialist.com/

“What Phobia is the Fear of Yourself?”  2012.  Answers.com.  11 Jan. 2012.  http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_phobia_is_the_fear_of_yourself

“Why Friday the 13^th is Unlucky.”  2012.  About.com.: Urban Legends.  11 Jan. 2012.  http://urbanlegends.about.com/cs/historical/a/friday_the_13th.htm