Duckworth Hollingsway first became acquainted with the Holy Grail Press in the fall of 1987, when HGP published his much criticized “Christmas Poems.”  Whereas The Press’s main criterion for publication is quality, that criterion is always relative to the quantity.  What can we say?  It was 1987. 

The “Christmas Poems” also met the State of Illinois’ criteria for insanity, and Duckworth spent the next 14 years at their facility just outside of Crossgrove, both as an inmate and as an intern, though it is not clear if those two pursuits ran concurrently.  Because The Press was Mr. Hollingsway’s last known address, they sent him here upon his release in 2001, 2006, 2009, and now in 2011. 

As therapy, Dr. Hooplinger, of the famous Hooplinger Institute, recommended that Duckworth take up golf.  Says Dr. Hooplinger, “Hell, golf works for me!  It’s kept me out of the hospital, hasn’t it?”  Since playing golf was prescribed as therapy, Duckworth was able to submit his green fees and other assorted costs as qualified expenses to his insurance company.  Unfortunately, Duckworth’s HMO isn’t very good, and all they can afford is Frisbee golf, and then only after Mr. Hollingsway meets the $20,000 deductable. 

Therefore, Duckworth is trying to offset the costs of his golf outings as a business expense, but he can only do that if he writes about them.  (Is this a great country, or what!)  It is Duckworth’s goal to play every disc golf course in the Puget Sound area this summer, and write a review on every one of them.  Hoping to somehow make money off of this adventure, and at least get Duckworth out of the office on a regular basis, we here at HGP have graciously agreed to publish them.  We’ve even given him his very own Home Page Tab:  Disc Golf.

 The Test

Mandrake Chapman offers yet another installment in his ongoing series, The History of the Future.  Other installments are available under the Prose tab to your left, or you can follow the previous hot link.

Ever since humans first conceived the existence of a god, they have been plagued with the question of knowing which god, which religion, is correct.   After all, there would be little point in fighting a war over religion if both sides knew they were wrong before they ever showed up. 

Therefore, it was no surprise that a little known religious order, the Brotherhood of the Answer Definitive, existed for over 700 years with the sole purpose of developing a simple test that would tell anyone, anywhere, if her or his religious beliefs were, without a doubt, true.  What was surprising, though, was when they announced on August 23, 2042, that such a test had, indeed, been developed.  Immediately after the announcement, all forty-four members of the order quit.  “It wasn’t so much that we have nothing else to do now,” stated Brother Maynard, “but it’s just that... I mean… well… you know.”

News of the test quickly spread.  Every major religion denounced the test, and many condemned it as downright sinful.  However, no belief was exempt, and no individual was allowed the comfort of blissful ignorance.  A parishioner, for instance, might refuse to take the test herself, but when the Vicar started sleeping in on Sunday, it became more than obvious that she might as well sleep in, too. 

By January of 2043, all but a few of the more relaxed religions existed, and by June of that year, no organized religion existed anywhere on the planet.  The one thing all religions were found to have in common was that, universally, they were all wrong.  Even obscure religions, such as the Kabuchi of Tuvalu, or the ancient religions of the Sumerians and Visigoths, to name only a few, all were proven to be wrong.  As well, such beliefs as atheism and agnosticism were proven to be incorrect.

The most positive, immediate outcome was the cessation of over twenty-nine major conflicts throughout the world.  The entire concept of a “Holy Land,” any holy land, suddenly became an anachronism, and the idea of fighting over such hot, nasty places became equally silly.  However, any positive benefits were soon eclipsed by the negatives.

What followed became known as the Great Void.  Alcohol and drug abuse became rampant throughout the world.  Suicide rates more than quadrupled in many places.  Chronic depression became the number one health concern everywhere.  Stated imminent scholar Dr. Ivan Tupidsay, “Apparently people have a psychological need to believe in something other than themselves.”

They found that answer in the fall of 2045.  The only undeniably true thing that still existed on the planet was the Test itself.  Soon “Testing Centers” were being opened up everywhere, many of them utilizing the churches, mosques, and synagogues that had remained empty since the inception of the Test.  It wasn’t long after, though, that factions began to appear. For instance, was the Test equally valid regardless of which language it was translated into?  Then there were those who argued that a shortened version of the Test was just as valid as the original version, and those who argued that a longer version was far superior.  And then there were those who argued that it wasn’t technically necessary to have a Test at all.  Rather, their faith in the truthfulness of the Test was all that was truly required. 

By the Spring of 2046 it was estimated that well over 2000 different beliefs in which version of the Test was the most true existed throughout the world.  Hostilities soon followed.

Looky!  Looky! 

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Here at the Holy Grail Press we have notice with increasing alarm that acronyms are threatening to take over our language.  It is becoming increasingly impossible to communicate without a listing of what alphabet letters stand for what.  Take “IRA” for example.  To name just a few, it can be the Irish Republican Army, International Reading Association, Individual Retirement Account, or Mrs. Inez Raylene Amerson.  But there are other acronyms.  Among many, there are scuba and radar, FBI and FBLA, CCR, CRT, RCA, AMA, FDA, NBA, NAS, SEC, BVD, BVM, and HGP.  Even the USA PATRIOT ACT is one really long acronym.  And don’t tell me that they named it and then realized, to their surprise, that that is what all the initials spelled.

 And then there is text messaging.  For the longest time I thought OMG was an additive in Chinese food.  Imagine how embarrassed I was when I learned it actually meant Outer Mongolia.  This nonsense has got to stop!

Therefore, we here at HGP have started the Association for the Cessation of Ridiculously Officious Nomenclature for Yakking Morons.  We believe that Acronyms must be stopped, and, with your support, we believe we can stop them, although we haven’t a clue how.  But that doesn’t mean that we’re not going to try, or that you can’t help!  All you need to do is join ACRONYNM.  By sending 29.95 to the Holy Grail Press in care of the Internet you will receive absolutely nothing, other than knowing you are now an official member of ACRONYM.  And in doing so, you will know you have at least done something, and what can be more important than that?

An Editorial by Mrs. Vula Bimbaum, HGP’s English Language Consultant, as well as a member of the  Professional Structuralist Grammarians’ Association and the Professional Organization of English Majors

Academicians, especially grammarians, rarely become embroiled in political debates.  However, the topic I choose to address transcends politics.  It fundamentally defines us as who we are and what we think. The topic that I have hereto before alluded to is that of requiring English to be the national language.  To this franchise I would like to lend my full support.

The superiority of the English language is obvious simply because we, Americans, choose to speak it.  Learning to speak a foreign language is, indeed, no small feat,  and I applaud those who so do.  However, would it not be better to take care of our own language first?  As well, we should not be required to lean a language other than that which is predicated by our elementary educational regimen just so we can communicate with the hired help.  Finally, English is the language of the Great Bard.  What is good enough for Shakespeare should be good enough for everybody.

We should not, however, stop at allowing any pedestrian form of English to supplant for English as a whole.  If there is a standard on which language we speak, then there should be a standard on how well that chosen language is spoken.  That standard should not be anything but absolute perfection.  After all, what American should be willing to strive for less?

If we are going to be making rules on how we should be speaking, I say make them.  If you cannot speak utilizing proper grammar, you should not be allowed to speak at all.  Quite frankly, it is an inconvenience to try and communicate with those who take English, yea, any communication whatsoever, as a less than an exact art.

These are people who leave off the apostrophe as if it does not matter that you have one child or many.  To them, commas are an afterthought, if any thought whatsoever.  These are people who think the second “o” on “too” is optional.  They expect us to figure it out for them.  They expect us to be able to communicate with them, when it is they who should be trying to communicate with us.   

Fining, and even imprisoning, people who do not use proper English is no more a denial of one’s basic freedom of expression than requiring a permit is denying someone’s right to bear arms.  After all, America is a free country.  Nobody is required to remain here.  If they do, however, it should be assumed that they have also chosen to speak proper, pure English.

Thank you