My Fellow Americans,

It has come to my attention that our country may be in a slight economic downturn.  Why, it’s getting to be that the average citizen can’t even afford the services of independent entertainment specialists.  And that can’t be a good sign.  Of course, this truly should come as no surprise to any of us who have followed the economy.  The United States has long trusted Wall Street to manage our money.  Now, I don’t know about the rest of you, but if they’re all so fired good about investing money, you’d think them fellas on Wall Street would have more than just walls.

And now, our government is proposing a trillion dollar recovery program.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m all in favor of recovery, but a trillion dollars is a lot.  Why, McDonald’s hasn’t even sold that many hamburgers, and they’ve been at it a lot longer.

Therefore, I’d like to come out on record as being opposed to the current recovery program.  First of all, I can’t imagine anything that  they could be recovering that would cost remotely that much.  My wife, Mrs. Bullfinch, has been recovering furniture around the Bullfinch Manse for years.  It’s no more than a hobby, mind you.  Nothing she’s ever made any profit off of.  That’s not to say that people don’t pay her for it, but it’s more to cover the expenses, you know.  And there’s no need to report that to the IRS.  She re-did the living room sofa, the chair that the cat tore up in the den, and she’s even done a recliner for her sister-in-law.  Mind you, that’s her brother’s wife and no actual relationship to me.

Now don’t get me wrong; I know that recovering furniture is not cheap.  First of all there’s your fabric.  You’re just wasting your time if you use something cheap.  Then there’s your cushion.  Some of us with gravity issues would like as much padding as possible, and none of that stuff that goes flat no matter what your volume might be.  And then there’s fastening the material to the frame.  At this time I would like to make it clear that I am all in favor of tacks cut.  They’re hard to use, they tend to pop off, and a staple gun is much faster.  Of course, like the fabric, a cheap staple gun is just a waste of money.

But what it comes down to, is it’s just plain wasteful.  Why, even if they were recovering every sofa in the entire God-blessed country, including the one I have out in my garage, why I don’t see any way possible that they could possibly spend a trillion dollars.  But mostly, I am aggravated that none of that wastefulness is especially set aside for me.  After all, who’s going to miss a few hundred thousand?

Therefore, I implore all like-minded citizens to stand pat in our resolution, and when the recovery program comes to your town, you just tell them that you like your sofa just the way it is.

Thank you, and may God bless,

The Honorable Leonard K. Bullfinch, Senator-at-Large

Why aren’t there freelance beer men... or women?  You could make a killing.  Just show up at a PTA meeting.  “Beer!  Get yer ice cold beer, here!”  The possibilities are endless.  Third grade soccer games.  High school basketball games.  Piano recitals.  Baptisms.  Funerals.  Mom and Dad’s 50^th anniversary party.  Bar Mitzvahs.  Courtrooms.  Laundry mats.  Bus stations.  Door to door.  Because there’s nothing that can’t be better with a beer.  Drink responsibly.

Global warming.  Carbon emissions.  Dependence on foreign oil.  Petro-economies that sponsor global terrorism.  Countries that selfishly use natural resources while other people live in despair.  The need to find cleaner, safer fuel.  And we still love NASCAR.

Do Japanese people get a tattoo in English that says, “Strength”?  No.  Because that would be silly.

Do people in Spain show up to work in the morning, shrug, and then say, “Ahh... un otra dia, un otra euro.”  “Si.  Mismo merde.  Diferencia dia.”

And what about people in Hell?  What with the brimstone and sulfur, it would wreck heck on your sinuses.  So... what do people in hell say when someone else in hell sneezes?