The History of the Future:  The Eradication of Syndromes

In June of 2059, the International Society for the Preservation of Sanity (ISPS) recognized for the first time the Syndrome Response Syndrome in their highly influential quarterly publication, I’m Not Nuts, But What About You?  The Syndrome Response Syndrome was characterized by the sufferer not giving a shit about anybody else’s syndromes.  And, because it was now a recognized syndrome, they no longer even had to try.  Most agree that, in theory, the syndrome would’ve been fairly easy to cure.  However, because the main symptom of the Syndrome Response Syndrome was not giving a shit about others’ syndromes, they also didn’t give a shit about their own syndrome, and nobody sought help.

It is still debated whether Syndrome Response Syndrome spread like a mania through the power of suggestion, or whether it had always existed in such extremely high numbers, but that our reporting systems had just significantly improved.  Regardless, within a year over 98% of the world population claimed to be suffering from Syndrome Response Syndrome.  As a result, by June of 2060, the ISPS was only recognizing one syndrome, The Syndrome Response Syndrome.  And by the Fall of that year, they announced that there really wasn’t much point in recognizing that one, either.  There were several medical organizations soon after that recognized a No Syndrome Syndrome, which was a syndrome caused from not having any syndromes to suffer from.  However, the ISPS never recognized that syndrome, stating that it was “just plain silly.”

From deep in their archieves, the Holy Grail Press is proud to present the true story of Dead Dog and the Maggots, the as yet to be acclaimed illustrated story of one of the world’s most least remembered bands. 

The History of the Future:  The End of Caring

It was in June of 2336 that Professor Noland Marvin published his thoroughly comprehensive History of Everything Ever Invented.  The book immediately became a standard reference for the International Patent and Copyright Office.  Whenever somebody thought she had a novel idea, the IPCO would simply cross-reference it with Dr. Marvin’s History and confirm that it wasn’t novel in the least.  In fact, it was quickly discovered that nothing new was left to invent. On March 18, 2337, the IPCO received its last query ever.  That invention, too, had been thought of before.

Perhaps coincidentally, it was also in March of 2337 that MindFlix, the largest supplier of media on the planet, stopped suggesting what viewers might like to watch.  They just told them what they were going to watch.  And nobody seemed to mind, because, after all, it was really what they wanted to watch anyway.

Why I Hate My Job:  Interview #457:  Pert Shampoo

I was the guy who came up with the formula for Pert Shampoo.  Of course, they only list the executive engineers on the patent.  They say that it was a “collaborative discovery.”  But they all know it was me.  Combining shampoo and conditioner was the single most revolutionary idea in the hair care industry... ever.  And I didn’t even get a bonus.  And the bitch is that I signed an intellectual property waiver.  Even if I could afford the lawyers, what am I going to do?  Tell them that they’re doing exactly what I told them they could do?  Thing is, the stuff doesn’t work at all.