Smoking Spinach and Rusty Stomach

by Dr. Ivan Tupidsay

            Since the late 1990s, there have been over 3000 reported cases of individuals smoking spinach in the United States, a phenomenon that was unheard of before that time except in the isolated region of the Okefenokee Swamp in northeast Florida.  The demographic of those who smoke this leafy vegetable is predominately between the ages of 19 to 28, white, from the suburbs, and named “Doug.”  When interviewed, many of the users of this recreational plant state that it does not get them high, nor does it particularly cause any sensation whatsoever other than some reported cases of nausea, blurred vision, and the tendency to stain one’s teeth green.  Stated one individual, “Yeah, you know, what else are you going to do with spinach?”

            Recently, however, researchers at the University of Milan have discovered a link between smoking spinach and rusty stomach, a condition in which iron deposits accumulate in the stomach and bowels.  They postulate that when spinach is smoked, it causes the iron levels to be concentrated in the stomach, where they are then passed from the body through the bowels. 

            Said botanical expert Giovanni Pizza, “Smoking spinach is relatively harmless, aside from the irritation to the lungs from any smoke.”  There has, though, been several reports of sewer lines that have rusted through.  Though there is not a clear correlation between rusted sewer lines and smoking spinach, said one official, “Why else would they rust through?  They’re plastic lines.”

            Whereas smoking spinach remains legal in every state except Utah, officials are still concerned that it may spread, causing unknown health consequences, as well as endangering the smooth operation of our sewer systems.  For now, says medical expert Duckworth Hollingsway, the best action anybody can take is to stop naming people “Doug.”

 

Eye of the Needle

Everybody who ever met Justin Hayes all agreed on one thing:  Justin was a really nice guy.  In fact, to a person, they all agreed that Justin was the nicest guy they had ever met.

And then one day as Justin was heading home after volunteering at the orphanage, he swerved to miss a kitten that was in the road, and he crashed into a utility pole and was killed.  It happens.  Understandably, all of his friends were distraught.

To honour the memory of Justin, all of his Christian friends put a cross at the site of the accident.  Upon seeing the cross, all of his Jewish friends could not possibly believe that somebody who was that genuinely nice could possibly be a Christian.  So they took down the cross and they put up a Star of David. 

Not long after, all of his Muslim friends, upon seeing the Star of David, took it down and replaced it with a Crescent.  For certainly nobody as kind as Justin could possibly be a Jew.  And not long after that, all of Justin’s atheist friends took down the Crescent, and, of course, they left nothing, believing that nobody who was as kind and intelligent as Justin could possibly believe in any of that nonsense.

It wasn’t long before all of Justin’s friends were lying in ambush for each other, having sworn to avenge the memory of Justin upon anybody who would dare profane the site of his passing.

Meanwhile, Justin stood in Judgment before the Heavenly Host.  And after studying the Record of All That He Had Ever Done or Should Have Done, the bells rang, the angels sang, and the gates were opened wide. 

Justin went inside where he found absolutely nobody else.  Not a soul.  “Certainly there must be more to come?” Justin asked.  To which the Heavenly Host said, “No.  For that is the nature of infinity.  All that ever will be has already been.”

And then he left Justin to revel in the lush green valleys, the streets paved in gold, and the rivers that flowed of milk and honey, all of that stretching further than the eye could see.  And there Justin sat, with his back against the gate, wondering...  wondering if it were too late to sin.