So, you saw my ad on Greg's List, huh?  Well, that's it.  It's a time machine.  It don't look like much, but it really works.  I've used it several times.  No telling how much the guy I got it from used it, and who knows who had it before that.

I got it because I was always forgetting important dates, like my wife's birthday or our anniversary.  If I had a time machine, I wouldn't ever have to worry about it again.  I could just go back and get some flowers... or whatever, and she'd never be the wiser.

The first time I used it, though, I still missed her birthday, and the florist got her name wrong.  I didn't even think I knew a "Caroline."  But I figure, no problem.  After all, I had a time machine.  I could always go back and make things right again.  Right?

So I did.  Only that time I came back to find out that not only had I still missed her birthday, but that I'd also had an affair with my boss's wife.  And she wasn't even that good looking.  I don't remember having an affair with that lady.  I don't even know when I did.  Not that it mattered to my wife.  Or my boss.  So I ended up both divorced and unemployed.

So I got to thinking that maybe things went all to crap because I was being selfish.  Because I was trying to change the wrong things.  So I decided to go back in time and kill Hitler.  I mean, if Hitler never came to power in Germany, then he wouldn't've ever screwed up the European economy like he did, and France never would've gone to war with Spain, and England never would've invaded Portugal.

So I did.  At least, I thought I did.  I planted a bomb and blew up Hitler on his way to art school.  Only when I got back to the present, come to find out, instead of just another war in Europe, there's been another World War.

So I got to thinking, maybe I'd never killed Hitler at all.  After all, I never saw the body.  So I went back again.  And this time there was no doubt.  I shot him 17 times.

Only when I got back, I found out that I hadn't killed Hitler after all, and not only had there been World War II, but now there was the whole Holocaust, too.  I don't even know how that's possible.

And that's when I decided to stop trying to make things better, because no matter what I did, I just made them worse.  I mean, what could possibly be worse than the Holocaust, right?

So, yeah.  You can have it.  Maybe you'll have better luck than I did.