My Fellow Americans,

The increasing epidemic of gun violence in the United States has come to even my attention.  It seems hardly a day goes by that we don't hear of some gun-toting wacko taking the lives of innocent people everywhere, and then, more often than not, killing himself before we can.  And this is especially true in our schools.  This has got to stop.

There are those who suggest, for instance, that we should arm our teachers.  Though I am not opposed to arming teachers, I don't think we're going far enough.  After all, aren't we still leaving the protection of our students to those school officials who have failed them so many times before?  Shouldn't we be teaching our students to take care of themselves?  Shouldn't taking care of themselves be the goal of every citizen?

My solution, therefore, is to arm everybody.  And by everybody, I mean everybody.  Every last man, woman, and child.  I propose that every citizen be given a fully automatic assault rifle with 1,000 rounds of ammunition.  After all, if we expect our peace-loving citizens to be able to protect themselves from somebody who has an assault rifle, how else are they going to do that than have an assault rifle themselves?

There'll be no discrimination, as there should never be in this great country of ours.  Not by age, race, political or religious inclination, or even because of felony convictions.  If one person is safer because she has a gun in her purse, then it just goes to follow that everybody is safer if everybody is armed, and armed equally.  And the safety of our country, the safety of our citizens, should be the primary concern of any politician. 

There are some who may object to my plan because of the expense of giving away a few hundred million assault rifles.  First, the government will be buying those assault rifles in bulk, and everybody knows that things are cheaper when you buy them in bulk.  And then what little expense there may be, at best, will be short lived.  Overall, though, we expect the government, and you, the taxpayer, will save money.  Studies have shown that arming the entire population could very well pay for itself in the long run.  For instance, it is quite possible that we could phase out police departments altogether.  Gang violence, for instance, would become a thing of the past.  And just imagine how much money that would save us.

But even if there is an expense, isn't it worth it to feel safer in our homes and on our streets?  To feel safer in our workplaces and places of worship?  To feel safer in our cars and the airplanes that fill the sky?

There are also those who think this plan will be more dangerous than any gun violence that we are currently experiencing, especially if we don't check anybody for their latent, or even overt, violent tendencies.  I disagree.  If we happen to give an assault rifle to somebody that really shouldn't have one, such as a convicted violent felon or a known terrorist, what with everybody else being able to protect themselves, how much harm can he do?  And what better way to discover those people who shouldn't be armed.

Along these lines, it is true that there may be a "slight" rise in gun violence, but we expect that to quickly fall to way below current levels, if for no other reason than there will quickly be less people shooting at each other, because there will be less people to shoot.  And less gun violence is a good thing.

Therefore, I urge you, my fellow citizens, to support my plan.  Together we can end gun violence by not hesitating to shoot anybody who threatens our peaceful way of life.  God bless this great country of ours.

Thank You.

The Honorable Senator Leonard K. Bullfinch (I., At-large)