Here’s something fun to do at your next party: Have everybody define “time” without
using the word “time.” You can even break into teams. And then you can wonder why nobody comes to
any of your parties anymore.
Here’s something to ponder, if you
were looking for such. All it takes to keep time is any interval that is consistent and can be measured. You
can make a clock out of dripping water if you’re so inclined. Of course, the closer those intervals are,
the more accurate your clock will be. Getting a quartz crystal, for instance, to vibrate was pretty darn accurate,
but not as accurate as the orbit of electrons around an atom – an atomic clock. The atomic clock is so accurate
that they are forced to add leap seconds regularly to make it stay consistent with the moving orbit of our planet relative
to other stars that are moving, too, against a background of even more stars, all of which are also moving, which is the standard
upon which we base our time – it’s a bit like keeping time with the trucks that you pass as you drive down the
interstate, and if your clock gets behind… ah, just add a second. So here’s my question: What
the hell is a leap second? What the hell is a second, as far as that goes? And why won’t people
come to my parties anymore?
The Months
Mind you, the months really never had consistent days early on -- it took awhile for that sort
of nonsense to settle down, probably because, other than the general unavailability of calendars, for so many people it really
didn’t matter what day of the year it was. Life still sucked. The most inconsistent month of the
year, though, has to be February. All the other months have an abundance of days, but why does February only have
28 days?
Aside from that really being enough… I mean, really, would
you want February to have any more? When Julius Caesar died (and quite possibly well before he died), aside from
an orange drink and a salad, they decided to name a month after him. July, of course. But since Julius
was such a great… whatever… his month certainly could not have less days than any other month, so they needed
one more. Where did they take it from? Yup, February. Later, when Augustus succumbed to the
same fate, death, they wanted to name a month after him, too. Yup, August. But August certainly couldn’t
have less days than Julius, or anybody else, for that matter, so, once again, they took a day from February.
But how do you rename a month? More importantly, which months would you get rid of? After all, you don’t want to upset any special interest groups.
January is
named after Janus, who is the Roman god of gates and doorways. That makes perfect sense. After all,
it’s the first month of the year, therefore, the gateway to the rest of the year. What doesn’t make
sense, though, is why gates and doorways would need a god.
Apparently the entire month of
February is named after Februa, which is the Roman festival of purification. Mark it on your calendar; it’s held on the fifteenth, right
after Valentine’s day, when a little purification probably is not a bad thing. Taking two days away
from February didn’t change the festival, and it made a miserable month just that much less. Good call.
March is named after Mars, the god of war. Makes sense. You really can’t have
a decent war until things begin to thaw out in the spring.
April takes its name from Aphrodite,
the Greek goddess of love and beauty (which sounds better if you imagine Isaac Hayes saying it). When you come
home from war… what else are you going to do?
May is named after Maia (the great one) who is “the Italic goddess of spring, the daughter of Faunus, and wife
of Vulcan.” Could you imagine the church at that wedding? Are you here for the bride, or the groom? By
the way, “Italic” is just another way of referring to ancient Italy. Remember that the next time you’re
tempted to use italics, or go out for Italian.
Why June weddings? Aside from
school being out… June is named after Juno, who was the head Roman goddess, along with being the goddess of marriage and women.
And the rest are just numbers. Seriously. Have you ever thought about it? December
= decem = ten; November = nueve/neuf = nine; October = octo = eight; September = septem = seven. And that’s
really what they called them. If it was October, for instance, they said it was the Tenth Month. Only
it’s not. It’s the eighth. Apparently, when July and August were added, it made sense
to take out the last two months, then to move every other name up two notches, all the way back to the summer. I
mean, really, I don’t mind if you name a month after me, just as long as it’s not in the winter, if you know what
I mean.
And now here’s another fun party game! Let’s
rename the months after the presidents! Lincoln and Washington go without saying (maybe...). As well,
you have to have Jefferson, and either Adams or Madison, or maybe both (maybe...). If you promise not to bitch
about Franklin Roosevelt, I won’t bitch about Reagan. Let’s see… where are we up to now? 6
or 7? OK. Who would be the rest? Honestly, can you think of five other presidents that we
really would want to name a month after? I suppose some would be in favour of Wilson... but they would probably be ignoring a lot of the finer details. And Kennedy? You tell me. Name one thing
he did as president. I’ll wait. Notice how I’m not even putting Truman up there… and I’m
from Independence. I sacked Bes Truman’s groceries, for crying out loud! (I really did.) But
I just can’t see Harry being the same caliber as, say, Jefferson. Sorry, mom. Of course, Harry
didn’t own slaves. But then, if we don't include presidents who owned slaves (or, at a minimum, tolerated
that others did), then we're back to two, maybe three.
But, yeah,
who would you choose?
Some of the above information was loosely plagiarized from…
Crowl, Lawrence A. A History of the Months
and the Meanings of their Names. Crowl.org. 27 Aug. 2011. http://www.crowl.org/lawrence/time/months.html
