We offer a discreet service, sir.  Your utmost privacy is our number one concern.  For after all, your privacy is what makes our business work.  What we offer is more than peace of mind.  What we offer could very well be your legacy.  It’s taking care of the one’s you love when you’re no longer there to take care of them yourself.  It’s making sure they’re shielded from those less pleasant things in life.  It’s making sure that the image you’ve fought so hard to maintain all these years will always be there as a comfort to the ones you love, and if necessary, to provide more than comfort in the case of unforeseen legal entanglements.  Indeed, it’s insuring that those legal entanglements are never seen.

What we offer, upon your death, is a thorough inspection of all legal documents, all safety deposit boxes, all bank accounts, even those that may defy traditional banking practices, and every other financial transaction that you may be tied to, either explicitly or implicitly.  It will not even be necessary to tell us what these are.  We will go over every asset, every deed, every contract, and every little black book you ever may have kept.  We will completely sanitize all electronic accounts:  emails, laptops, blogs, and Blackberries.  And, for an upgrade in our package, we will replace any incriminating files with ones that show what an honest, generous, decent father, husband, and community member you were.  Links to questionable websites can become links to websites beyond question.  Questionable expenditures can become unquestionable contributions to the betterment of your community.  Enemies can become your friends.  Legal lines can become blurred.

And all of this is guaranteed to happen quickly, quietly, and cleanly, with no trace left behind, and no reason to suspect that there may have ever been anything that in anyway could have ever impinged on the good, decent individual that is you.

I won’t deny that what we offer is not cheap.  But then, if you weren’t in a position to benefit from our specialized services, we wouldn’t be talking right now to begin with, now would we?