Having recently returned from a fact-finding trip to Las Vegas, I was shocked and surprised to find my office embroiled in a sexual scandal.  This was obviously a ploy that was manufactured by my opponents to keep the focus off the real issues, which, as we all know, is the United States’ continued involvement in Iraq.

Whereas I am loathe to give any of these rumors credence at all, I feel that the scandal has reached such proportions that I must face these accusations head on if any real, meaningful work is to be done.  Therefore, let me set the facts straight.

First of all, it is impossible for my office to be embroiled in scandal because I don’t even have an office.  Secondly, I don’t have email.  Third, I don’t have any pages.  And finally, even if I did have pages, I can assure you with unwavering certainty, as my ceaseless work with the sheep farming industry attests to, that I have no sexual interests in little boys. If any of these young boys’ mothers or older sisters would like to personally discuss any of these accusations, I would be more than willing.

Having put that unpleasant issue behind us, so to speak, I would like now to address the real issue of the day:  Our course of action in Iraq.

There are many people in America who would like to see our troops leave Iraq.  They would like for us to cut and run, to abandoned all the good that we have done there.  Unfortunately, the liberal press has distorted that good or failed to report it at all.  But be assured, we are doing good in Iraq.  Case in point:

Before the United States invaded Iraq, it was a country of uncertainty.  Now it is a country that is certainly bad.  And certainty is good. 

We have brought excitement to their lives.  Imagine taking a road trip and trying to guess what will blow up next.  That’s way more fun than trying to find license plates from all 50 states.

We have also brought an appreciation for life to the Iraqi people.  How many of us in America leave home every day and assume that we will see our loved ones again?  Imagine the things you would wish you had said or done if they were to die during the day.  I can assure you that no Iraqi leaves the house in the morning and assumes that they well ever return, or that there will be a house to return to.

In addition we have brought the country closer to God.  In many cases, really close.  And who is so cynical to chide spirituality?

And, I am assured, eventually there will be democracy in Iraq.  Imagine the joy these people will feel when they are able to have fair, open, honest elections with people who truly represent the average citizen and will always strive to do what is best for everybody, not just themselves or some special interest that has paid them an obscene amount of money.  Just like we have in the United States.

More importantly than the Iraqis, though, are our soldiers.  If we were to cut and run now, we would be doing a dishonor to those people that have already died.  With every new death in Iraq we show that those who have died before have not died in vain.  3000 deaths and 300 billion dollars is a small price to pay.

It is important that we hold the course in Iraq.  It is important that we prove to the American people that this war can be won.  After all, we must prove to terrorists everywhere that America will not be pushed around.  We must prove that we will not hesitate to ruthlessly kill as many people as it might take, guilty and innocent alike (although we deeply regret it when innocent citizens are killed, and I’m certain that they and their loved ones understand that that is the cost of war).  Unless the United States is willing to stand strong in the face of our enemies, how else can they learn to be like us?  How else will they come to understand that we only want the best for the world, which is an unending supply of oil?

Finally, I would ask that we be tolerant of those people who oppose the war, no matter how treasonous they might be.  After all, they are free to express their opinions, even if they are obviously wrong.  We should embrace these dissenters.  And what better place to embrace them than working as a page for our elected lawmakers.

Thank You,

The Most Honorable Senator Leonard K. Bullfinch (at-large)