Yesterday all of America, and maybe even the world, had reason to be proud when a brave pilot miraculously landed his jet airplane in the icy waters of the Hudson River, saving everyone onboard, even the peanuts.  It was reported that the lives of 150 Christian souls, and perhaps a few others, where perilously threatened by none other than our so called feathered friends:  birds.  Whereas no lives were lost this time, it’s just a matter of time before such an event ends in tragedy.  That is, unless immediate action is taken.

Therefore, I propose that all birds be required to file flight plans with the FFA.  By doing so, we would be able to prevent the thousands of reported bird and airplane collisions that happen every year.  Why would the birds refuse?  After all, aren’t we protecting them as well?  However, those birds refusing to cooperate, or failing to comply with their flight plans, would be subject to fines, imprisonment, and even the loss of their licenses.  I believe most birds would learn their lesson if they had to walk south just once.

I realize this may be an imposition on those many law abiding birds, such as the sparrows and the titmice, but we should all be willing to make sacrifices for the overall public good.  God knows I have.

I further propose that, in order to handle the massive amount of documentation that this will entail, we should hire cats.  There’s an awful lot of them, and most of them are presently unemployed.  In fact, my cat Whiskers has volunteered to do it for free.  Now folks, there’s one patriotic cat.  But I’m sure Whiskers is not alone in his patriotism.  Indeed, we are asking that every American do his... or maybe her... duty, and remind any bird you happen to see that they need to register.  I would suggest using a shotgun.