I hosted the Monday Show on CBS from 1959 to 1974.  But you don’t know me.  Nobody knows me.  Even the people at the studio where I worked didn’t know who I was.  I had to show my ID every damn time I came through the gate.  Who am I?  I’m Ed Monahan, you putz.  I was on TV while you were still soiling your drawers.  I host the Monday Show.  Oh, you don’t know when that comes on?  On Monday, you moron.  And you want to know what time?  I come on at 6:30.  But you wouldn’t know that.  Nobody knows that.  They’re all watching “Gunsmoke.”  Every last f***ing person in the entire f***ing world is watching Gunsmoke.  Can I say f*** on the air?  Who gives a f***!  Nobody’s listening anyway!  And I can’t piss off my sponsers, because we have no f***ing sponsers.  I can do whatever I want and nobody’s going to stop me.  They’re all watching ”Gunsmoke”!  I could sit here taking tequila shots with my pants off and nobody would care.  But we can’t have static.  God knows.  Even if there is nobody to see it.  So I sat there.  For 15 years I sat there.  Staring at the camera for a solid hour.  Turn off the lights when you leave.  I got a lot of reading done.  So what am I complaining about?  I got paid.  And nobody cared what I did.  Isn’t that what everybody wants?  I guess it’s my own fault that all the grand kids think that their grandfather’s an asshole.