I, Senator Leonard K. Bullfinch, am proud to announce that I have been chosen as the honorary spokesman for the NRA – the National Rattlesnake Association. 

As Americans, we are all blessed with certain inalienable rights.  We have the right to say what we darn well want when we darn well want to say it.  We have the right to worship wherever and whatever we so please, be it Baptist or Methodist.  And we have the right to defend ourselves from those who would want to take these rights, these freedoms, away from us. 

And there is no better way to defend ourselves than by owning and carrying live rattlesnakes.  Therefore, I urge all Americans to become a member of the National Rattlesnake Association.

As a member of the National Rattlesnake Association, we believe that every citizen has the right to protect himself and his family, be that threat real or imaginary.  We further believe that there is no better way to protect yourself than with a live rattlesnake.  After all, what could be more American than a rattlesnake?  And a rattlesnake is more effective than a handgun, in that it doesn’t need to be aimed, it won’t show up on a metal detector, and should you ever be incapacitated or caught unawares, it will act on its own.  As well, it never needs to be reloaded.  Think of the money you will save every year on bullets alone.  And then there is the peace of mind that a price cannot be placed upon.

Just the thought that you may be carrying a concealed rattlesnake should make any would be villain think twice.  And should someone want to break into your home, knowing that there could be a rattlesnake coiled behind your home entertainment center would make any burglar wish he’d gone to trade school instead.  Indeed, that burglar would have no idea where that snake might be hiding.  And let me tell you, any rapist is going to think twice before exposing any of his more delicate body parts, not knowing just where that snake might be.  That sort of peace of mind is something that every man owes his wife and his family.

There are those who counter that rattlesnakes are inherently dangerous, especially if you have children or pets living in the home.  To them I say, “Poo.”  First of all, a rattlesnake is all the pet you will ever need.  And children can be taught not to play with it, just as they can be taught not to play with handguns.  And if you line a playpen with Plexiglas, why, there’s no way that snake is going to get in there.  As an added bonus, you will no longer have to worry about rodents and other vermin in your house. 

Therefore, I urge every God fearing American to join the National Rattlesnake Association. 

Your membership includes:

• Your very own live rattlesnake, guaranteed to be at least three feet long, which will be delivered inside of your home absolutely free of charge.
• You will also receive an official decal you can place in the rear window of your car or on the front door of your home to let would be thieves know they’d better think twice before they go after your stereo.
• And you will get our semi-monthly newsletter, “Recoil,” that will keep you updated on current legislation, local rattlesnake clubs, and other information vital to being an informed citizen.
• As well, you will receive discounts from our catalogue on such items as National Rattlesnake Association apparel and NRA snake bite kits. 
• And if you order by the Fourth of July, you will receive your very own NRA snake tongs, suitable for handling rattlesnakes up to four feet long, or flipping burgers on your grill.

Joining is easy.  Just send 59.95, plus 38.50 for shipping, in care of Senator Leonard K. Bullfinch to the Holy Grail Press.  Sorry, cash only.  And before you know it, you will have your very own rattlesnake curled up somewhere in your home, protecting you and your loved ones from all the evil in the world.

Thank you, and may God bless you and all true Americans.