My Fellow Americans,

Gas prices have become unbearable.  Soon, a gallon of gas will cost more than an hour of minimum wage, after taxes, of course.  Why, I can’t even drive my Hummer to the corner store without it costing more for gas than it does for some of those fine products made by the Kentucky agri-business industry.  And I am told that it is only going to get worse.

Having abundant energy to waste is a legacy for our children.  Imagine your child growing up with no hope whatsoever of driving a Camaro, simply because there is no longer any fuel.  That is just not right.  Or imagine an electric motorcycle.  What would be the point of riding a Harley if nobody could hear it?  And what would America be without Harleys?

Therefore, I have developed a comprehensive energy plan that will insure the American way of life will continue well into the next decade.  We must assure that America has oil, if not forever, then at least for the rest of my life.

First, though, I would like to say that I am well aware of the argument put forth by the so-called environmentalists.  And I would be the first to agree:  Oil is nasty.  Anybody who has ever tracked it into the house knows that.  But isn’t the underground part of the environment, too?  Isn’t it worthy of our concern?  We need to get that oil out of the ground so we can clean that up, too.  And once we get all that nasty oil out of the ground, the best thing to do with it is to burn it.  Once the oil is burned then the nasty smoke just blows away.  And in the meantime, we can be assured that our Escalades and Hummers will have plenty of fuel.

And that takes me to the first part of my energy plan.  We need to drill for oil everywhere possible.  We should start with those places we know that it already is, such as in Alaska and off shore in the Gulf of Mexico.  And contrary to what the environmentalists tell you, there is absolutely no danger to the environment.  Why, just look at Florida.  We had the biggest oil spill there in history and it’s just fine now, mostly.  I call that American ingenuity.  And who really cares about Alaska anyway?  It’s not like anybody I know is planning on going there.

Besides, those oil wells will only be there until the oil is gone.  In the meantime, though, it doesn’t mean you still can’t enjoy the countryside.  Why, it’s only a matter of time before some enterprising entrepreneur comes up with Oil World – an oil based theme part.  Instead of having a daily parade down main street, you could have daily explosions.  And there’s nothing an American likes better than a good explosion.  And besides, what’s the good of having a pristine environment if there is no gas to drive there to see it?

Once we’ve tapped into all the known oil supplies, then we need to look in those places in the United States where the oil might be.  How do we know for sure there’s no oil under, say, Yankee Stadium, until we sink a well to find out?  And it doesn’t mean you still couldn’t play baseball and drill for oil at the same time.  Why, I would put an oil well in my very own front yard if there were oil there to be had.  It would be selfish of me not to.

Whereas I am all for drilling anywhere possible in the United States, why stop there?  We need to expand our horizons.  Why not drill all the way through the earth and stick a pipeline into the Middle East?  If scientists can make Viagra, then certainly they can figure out how to do that, too.

That, then, takes us to the next major point of my comprehensive energy plan.  We need to put our best scientific minds into figuring out new ways to turn anything possible into oil.  Look at all the things we’ve been able to make out of oil so far, such as liquor bottles and condoms.  If we can make all these wonderful things out of oil, then it seems logical that we could make oil out of all these things as well.

And finally, those of us who don’t need to use petroleum based products as much as the rest of us need to conserve it, so those of us who have important things to do, such as ambulance drivers, policemen, grocery delivery drivers, and politicians,  can continue to do those things.

One solution would be to require railings on the sides of every delivery truck.  Commuting would be simple:  Just strap on your roller skates and grab on to the rail.  Another solution would be to make everything glow-in-the-dark.  Sure, it wouldn’t keep everything lighted all night long, but when it gets too dark to see, it’s probably time for bed anyway.  That way we would be assured to have electricity to light those really important places, such as hospitals and casinos.

America was built on oil, and oil defines who we are, from the cars we drive to the grease we use to slick back our hair.  These are the things our forefathers fought and died for.  If we were to give them up now, then those deaths would’ve been in vain.  We must preserve our past while insuring our future, and that means oil.  Let’s all drill until it hurts.

Thank You.