Recently I have come under criticism for not supporting a compromise for the current debt crisis that looms before our country.  Let me assure you I am well aware of the August 2^nd deadline.  It’s just that I don’t care. 

The problem, so we have been told, is that we, as a country, are in debt, so much so that we are having a hard time making the minimum payment on our Visa card.  To make matters worse, the credit card companies keeping raising the minimum payment every time we’re late making a payment, as if that’s going to help us pay off our debt.

Here, though, the analogy ends.  With my personal credit cards, the companies always tell me when I’ve had enough, much like Carl down at the Dunn Fell Inn.  However, with the United States, we get to set our own limit, and we can do that as many times as we want.  We don’t have to worry about driving home at the end of the night, because we’re already there. There is no limit.  It’s like having a Super-Duper-Platinum Card where they’ll lend you anything as long as you promise to repay, no matter how much you’re giggling when you make that promise.

And why does the United States need a debt ceiling anyway?  What difference does it make how much money we’re in debt?  Like many Americans, I’ll take all the credit cards that they’ll give me.  And there’s a maximum amount on those credit cards because that’s what you’re supposed to do:  Borrow it all, more if you can get away with it.  Indeed, that is the American thing to do.  By buying everything on credit that we could possibly want, we are stimulating the economy by creating a demand for those goods.  The demand, in turn, creates more jobs, which means more people are able to qualify for credit cards.  It’s an upward spiral that never needs to end. 

But even if it does come to an end, even if the United States can’t pay its bills, what’s the worse that can happen?  Let’s say, hypothetically, that California defaults on its loans.  What are they going to do?  Repossess Sacramento?  Take back San Francisco?  Shut down Los Angeles?  It’s not like the bank can send over a tow truck in the middle of the night and haul off San Diego.  And the same is true for the entire country.

And if somebody really wants to get nasty with the United States, will it really matter if our cruise missiles are paid for or not?  I have long stood on the platform that being the world’s police force is a good thing.  Nobody evicts the sheriff, because the sheriff is the only one who will serve the notice.

Still, there are those who argue that that’s probably not the best thing we can do.  They argue that eventually the bills are going to come due, maybe not while we’re alive, but certainly there will come a time when somebody who is remotely related to us will have to pay.  It’s a bit like being at a really good party.  Everybody wants to do keg stands, but nobody wants to throw down for a beer run, and eventually the beer’s going to run out.  And nobody wants that.

The solution for us to get out of the supposed mess we’re in, it has been argued, is that we need to work out some combination of bringing in more revenue while spending less.  Certainly, that would work, but who wants to do that?  And why should we when we can just borrow more money?  After all, there really is no limit on how much we can borrow if we never intend to pay it back.

However, in deference to my fellow lawmakers, I am more than willing to compromise.  Compromising is the American way.  After all, it was compromising with the Indians that gave us the great country that we now have. 

Therefore, I am willing both to cut expenses and raise taxes.  Let’s start with cutting expenses.  My plan is simple.  We should completely cut all Federal aid for everything to every state and possession, with the exception of the District of Columbia, in particular, to our lawmakers.  After all, if we can’t pay our politicians, who will decide which of us to make more poor?  And it only goes to follow, if the states can’t balance their own budgets and pay their own bills without borrowing money from their Uncle Sam, how can they possibly expect their Uncle Sam to balance his budget and pay all of his bills?  Once the Federal government has cut off its parasitic in-laws, that would leave plenty of money in the Federal coffers to pay off our national debt, maintain our military’s offensive capabilities in case anybody thinks we’re not paying that debt fast enough, and leave ample money to insure that our lawmakers can continue running this great country of ours.

And then we need to tax the poor.  If you tax the rich, you take away their money.  And if you take away somebody’s money, you make that person poor.  And once the rich are poor, where are you going to get anymore money?  Likewise, you can tax the middleclass, but once again, that will only serve to make them poor, too.  Therefore, we need to tax only the poor.  First, we’ll never run out of poor people, so we’ll never run out of somebody to tax.  Second, they’re already poor.  What difference will it make it they’re even more poor?  The poor are used to doing with less.  They’re used to missing meals.  They’re used to driving, and living in, run down, beat up cars.  In short, they’re used to being screwed over.  And finally, if the poor have put up with and believed the nonsense we’ve fed them over the years and they still vote for us, we have no fear of voter backlash.  After all, it really doesn’t matter which party is in the majority.  We’ll still have our jobs.

Therefore, I say fear not, fellow Americans.  The sun will still rise on August 3^rd, and more than likely, you’ll still have to go to work.  In short, life will continue much the same as it always has, with the rich getting richer, and the poor maintaining a viable life style of their choosing. 

Thank you, and may God Bless.

Senator Leonard K. Bullfinch