My Fellow Americans,
It has come to my attention that many people are upset over the teaching of the theory of
evolution in public schools. In particular, they are opposed to the idea that humans might be descended
from apes. Trust me, after working in politics for most of my life, I find this assertion to be quite believable.
Their biggest opposition, however, is that the teaching of the theory of evolution goes against what is written in
the Bible. After giving this argument considerable consideration, I have come to agree with those opposed
to the teaching of the theory of evolution in public schools. I base my decision not necessarily on the
fact that it goes against the teachings of the Bible, in deference to my Catholic and non-Christian constituents, but solely
on the assertion that we should not be teaching anything in our public schools that is not a proven fact. Teachers,
after all, should all have finished college, and they should therefore know, beyond a doubt, all of the answers.
Therefore, along
with evolution, I am also opposed to the teaching of anything that is based on a theory. In essence,
I oppose anything that is not a proven fact. Unfortunately, the following changes will need to be made
to our schools’ curricula.
First off, I propose the elimination of all grammar classes. Grammar, after all, is
just a theory. And it is grammar that has caused this entire problem. Had grammar not
allowed the word “theory” to simultaneously mean “wild guess” and “a well thought out idea that
is supported by decades of scientific evidence” then there never would have been a problem.
Along with grammar, we should no
longer teach much, if any, of language arts. The interpretation of literature, or for that matter anything,
relies on theory.
Next, we must eliminate virtually all of science. After all, gravity is just a theory.
And, it can be argued, the earth’s being round is just a theory. Light is a theory.
Germs and atoms are just theories. Almost all of astronomy and a good hunk of physics are theories.
Besides, it’s hard to do science without math, and a great deal of math is theory. For instance,
the number “4” can ultimately be seen as a theory.
Social Studies and History need to go. Certainly,
one can say that the fact that an event has happened is not a theory, but how do we interpret that event? Unfortunately,
that too, is a theory. And Social Sciences… just the word “science” alone should tell
you that it’s ultimately based on theory. And Philosophy and Religion. Not a chance.
Unfortunately, there’s
not a whole lot left. After, say, the 3rd grade, most students will have learned about all that
we can safely say they need to know. Now some may argue that will leave them ill-prepared for surviving
in life. But then, are we willing to sacrifice our principles at the cost of teaching our children a lot
of garbage that may cause them to think on their own? I think not.
However, I am not for abandoning our educational
institutions after the 3rd grade. The way I see, not having the day cluttered up with a lot
of useless theories leaves time for what is truly useful to teach in public education, and ultimately the reason why public
schools exist to begin with… basketball.
Thank You,
Senator Leonard
K. Bullfinch
First published November 21, 2005
