I’m an executioner.  I mean, that’s the exact response I get every time.  The, “You can’t be serious” followed by the “My, God, you are.”  I’m glad you’re not one of those “Dude!  Awesome!” type of guys.  I mean, regardless, it’s not what you’d think.  First of all.  I’m not just an executioner.  I mean, that’s not my only job.  What?  Did you think some guy just lives in a dungeon somewhere until it’s time to execute somebody?  How many days a year do you think you’re going to work?  I mean, it’s not rightly a full day’s work, either.  Two hours, tops.  And we have to clean up afterwards.  Even in Texas that isn’t steady work.  And I don’t live in Texas.  And there’s nights they call you in and you get there… and nothing.  All it takes is a phone call to waste your entire evening.  We do get paid for that, though, but not the hourly differential.

It’s not like anybody can’t be an executioner.  It’s a bid job like any other.  And there’s a test.  A psychological one up front.  A yearly.  And then you have to be certified.  I mean, it’s a lot more complicated than it looks.  And there’s a lot of legal issues you have to know.  They won’t even let you in the chamber without certification. 

So… we can, like, work other jobs in the prison.  We can still be a regular shift guard.  You can do special detail.  That’s the guy who goes and picks up convicts and brings them to the prison.  Not a bad job.  At least, the outward trip.  You can get into administration.  There are really more positions than you would think.  There is so much paperwork involved with a prison they have this whole staff working double shifts at times just to keep up with it.  Because you can’t let it fall behind.  That’s a legal issue in itself.  My favorite job, though, was a line guard.  That’s just a regular shift, walk the rails, shine a flashlight.  Nights.  It’s really peaceful.  But I don’t do it anymore.  I mean, I could.  It’s just that… well… nobody talks to me anymore.  None of the guards.  None of the prisoners.  I mean, if I’d say, “Hi,” they’d answer back.  But nothing else.  It got really lonely. 

So now I only come in and do the executions.  When they need me.  I still keep my certification up to date.  You’d be surprised at how much the laws change.  I’ve considered not getting it renewed.  I mean, it’s not cheap.  $500 every two years.  I don’t know.  I mean, I’m managing a convenience store all night long, and word got out in the neighborhood that I’m some sort of cop, so the local hoods show me some respect.  Yeah.  It’s pretty peaceful.  I don’t know.  My renewal comes up in 1210.  I guess I’ll just wait and see.