My Fellow Americans,

The American public is becoming polarized over the topic of gay marriages.  Even though the belief in the sanctity of marriage is at the core of my being, I cannot currently support a Constitutional Amendment that will define marriage.  The current proposed amendment doesn’t go far enough.  Instead, I would like to introduce the Sanctity of Marriage Amendment.  This amendment would not only make it unlawful for gays to wed, but it would also outlaw divorce.  After all, if heterosexuals truly believe in the sanctity of marriage, then they should be opposed to divorce.

My Amendment would also outlaw co-habitation unless both parties involved are married to each other, a marriage of a man and a woman.  I realize that this would be a hard law to enforce; therefore, I propose to make it illegal for anybody to live with anybody else unless they are related.  In certain states relatives may even be forbade from living with each other.  The last thing this country needs, well, maybe the second to the last, or perhaps the third, are two gay people openly living with each other and saying that they are “roommates.”

Premarital sex, whether the couple is living together or not, erodes the sanctity of the marriage.  And so does extramarital sex.  Therefore, my amendment would outlaw sex between anybody who is not married.  Because homosexuals will be forbidden to be married, that kind of sex will be outlawed, too.

And by marriage, we mean marriage in a church, with a preacher.  And when that bride walks down the aisle wearing white, everyone in the congregation will know that she’s not kidding.

Let’s stand up for what has made America great:  The institution of the family that is anchored in the sanctity of marriage.  God bless America!

The Honorable Senator Leonard K. Bullfinch