Good afternoon, sir. 

If I told you that I have a device, with me, here, right now, that would protect your house in the event of a nuclear war, you would undoubtedly think that I was a crackpot.  But, yet, you would want to hear more.  Simply because… what if I do?  And I’m telling you sir, right here, right now, today, one of these little babies can be yours.  Sir, I give you the Devil’s Device.  So named because nuclear destruction would be like the wrath of the devil falling down upon the world.

The Devil’s Device, though, is not a religions artifact, or something that depends on magic or the whims of some make-believe supernatural force. 

This little device, aside from being an attractive lawn ornament in its own right, is a scientific device.  Yet it requires no energy of its own.  All the energy it uses is simply transferred from the encroaching calamity back on to itself.  Let me explain.  Because of the precise angels of the receptor, it’s this part right here that I like to think looks like a 3-diminsional lollypop, and because of the various types of metals that coat each of the rods, it creates what scientists call an inverse vacuum when intense electromagnetic waves approach it.  I suppose, as far as that goes, when any energy force approaches it. 

Now I don’t confess to understanding just exactly how this Device works; those boys have gone to school for a long time.  What I do know, and what I have seen demonstrated repeatedly in laboratory tests, is that when a power surge approaches, it bends that power in on itself, creating a momentary bubble in the space-time continuum.  Anything beneath that bubble will instantaneously reappear after the calamity has passed, and be absolutely unhurt.  It will be as if it never happened.  Because, in theory, it didn’t.  Theoretically, you wouldn’t even be bothered by radiation. 

Imagine, the entire world devoid of life except for a circle here and a circle there.  And where the folks were smart enough to plan ahead, circles merging into circles, which merge into entire communities of survivors.  And not just surviving in a burnt wasteland, but a pristine world, as good as what God would’ve given us had we not gone against His Word.

Why, did you know that this is almost the exact same design as used by our own military to avoid the loss of communication in a thermal magnetic pulse?  We’re talking surviving nuclear weapons.  But ours, because of the exact placement, which I, as a certified technician, am prepared to do, will be focused precisely on the azimuth of the vertical plane. 

It is at that precise height and angle that our technicians, working independently from any government funding or oversight, have determined will maximize the Devil’s Device’s ability to deflect attacks.  These technicians, by the way, are some of the exact same people who designed the AQ-40, the Government’s version of the Devil’s Device.  Think about it.  You’ve seen them in pictures of ships and planes and military bases, but never gave it another thought, until now.  I’ve got some of those very same pictures here with me right now, if you’d like.

The strangest thing of all, though, but perhaps just a coincidence, is that the degree of angle that I will install your Devil’s Device at, that precise degree of angle that our scientists have concluded will work the very best, all those numbers making up the latitude and longitude and the relative degree of that angle on the astral plain, they all match precisely the number of Books in the Bible, the number of Book that is Revelations, and then the remaining numbers so happen to match up to the chapter and the verse where God Himself has written, through the hand of His Disciple John, “… and the Wrath of the Lord will fall like fire upon the face of the Earth….”  Or something like that.

What I’m saying is, that spot, for whatever reason, corresponds to the exact frequency of the magnitude of an attack that the devil would be likely to deploy.  For, after all, any attack by Satan will, by the laws of physics, as determined by the Will of God, require energy.  And that energy level, as determined by scientific analysis of the Word of God Himself, as He in His Wisdom left for us to find in the Bible, will be precisely 144,000 gigahertz.  That, sir, is a significant amount of energy at any standard.  But energy you can be protected from.

Now, say you’re not a religious man.  So what?  We’re talking protection from an attack that anybody on earth can throw at you  That’s the kind of protection I’d want for my family.

But let’s say, just for argument’s sake, that you are a religious man.  Wouldn’t it be good to know whose side you’re on while you’re waiting for Armageddon?  Wouldn’t it be good to know which neighbors you can trust, and which neighbors, out of design or ignorance, are aligned with the forces of evil?  And, to be a bit Agnostic, perhaps:  What if the Armageddon does  not come?  There are many who believe it’s just a matter of time before all of those crazy Christians finally go off the deep end and decide that it’s high time for judgment day to begin, with or without the Lord, and when that happens I want them to just keep driving when they come by my house.  After all, my friend, there is no need to preach to those that already believe.  And, sir, I’ll grant you this:  There are all different kinds of preaching.  But don’t get me wrong.  I do appreciate a good sermon.

I, sir, today, am offering you peace of mind, for only 29.95 each.  And today, and today alone, I, sir, am prepared to sell two for only 49.95.  Cash only.  That, my friend, is a bargain that you cannot afford to let pass by, because you can never be too safe.  And, of course, this offers includes our no questions asked money back guarantee should you not be completely satisfied with the performance of your very own Devil’s Device.

Now, how many can I set you up with?