by Dr. Ivan Tupidsay

            Since the late 1990s, there have been over 3000 reported cases of individuals smoking spinach in the United States, a phenomenon that was unheard of before that time except in the isolated region of the Okefenokee Swamp in northeast Florida.  The demographic of those who smoke this leafy vegetable is predominately between the ages of 19 to 28, white, from the suburbs, and named “Doug.”  When interviewed, many of the users of this recreational plant state that it does not get them high, nor does it particularly cause any sensation whatsoever other than some reported cases of nausea, blurred vision, and the tendency to stain one’s teeth green.  Stated one individual, “Yeah, you know, what else are you going to do with spinach?”

            Recently, however, researchers at the University of Milan have discovered a link between smoking spinach and rusty stomach, a condition in which iron deposits accumulate in the stomach and bowels.  They postulate that when spinach is smoked, it causes the iron levels to be concentrated in the stomach, where they are then passed from the body through the bowels. 

            Said botanical expert Giovanni Pizza, “Smoking spinach is relatively harmless, aside from the irritation to the lungs from any smoke.”  There has, though, been several reports of sewer lines that have rusted through.  Though there is not a clear correlation between rusted sewer lines and smoking spinach, said one official, “Why else would they rust through?  They’re plastic lines.”

            Whereas smoking spinach remains legal in every state except Utah, officials are still concerned that it may spread, causing unknown health consequences, as well as endangering the smooth operation of our sewer systems.  For now, says medical expert Duckworth Hollingsway, the best action anybody can take is to stop naming people “Doug.”