It’s time we broke the silence about vacuum cleaner cords.  You’re among friends.  Don’t be afraid to say what everybody else here is already thinking.  We all hate them!  Comon!  You know you do.  How is it that if you use the brackets they put on the vacuum cleaners then that part of the cord – you know, that part that snaps onto the cord to keep it from unwinding when you’re through – why is it that it always ends up on the bottom, where you can’t snap it onto the cord?  How could you possibly design something like that?  But if you don’t use it, you know, if you try and neatly coil the cord and then lay it gently over the mount, if it doesn’t immediately fall off, by the next time you try to use it, it’s a tangled mess. I didn’t touch it.  How did that happen?  How could you design a cord to do that?  What kind of sick, twisted mind could come up with something like that?  There are a lot of unanswered questions about vacuum cleaner cords.  And whenever there is something that you don’t understand, whenever you have questions that can’t be answered, then there can only be one possible explanation:  It’s a conspiracy.  And once you’re certain that there is a conspiracy, the next question to ask is, “Who?”  And the answer, to that, of course, is the Swiss.

No, sir.  It doesn’t take much to realize that something is screwy with the entire country of Switzerland.  Case in point:  Everybody thinks there’s something special about a Swiss Army Knife, but what, exactly, do you know about the Swiss Army?  Name one war they’ve won.  Name one war they even fought in.  Sure, people say that’s because they’ve always been neutral.  But what kind of side is that?  And if you never intend to fight any wars... why do you need an army?  That’s what I’d like to know.  And why is everybody always going on about their watches?  Do you actually know anybody who has a Swiss watch?  And if you do, how well do you really know them?  Heck, do you know anybody who is Swiss at all?  And why is that?  And then there’s their cheese.  It has holes in it!  American cheese, by golly, doesn’t have holes in it.  We make our cheese solid.  And American chocolate is just as good as anything the Swiss can whip up.  And what is the only sport that they’re any good at?  Tennis.  That ought to tell you something right there.  And what’s with their secret bank accounts?  And while we’re at it, what do we really know about Switzerland anyway?  There they are, high up in the mountains, all by themselves.  Cold.

After all these centuries, they must be mighty tired of living up in the mountains.  They’d have to be.  They want something a whole lot flatter, and a whole lot warmer.  They want the lowlands, but not just some of it.  They want it all, because they know that the rest of us won’t share.  People never do.  So they have to get rid of all of us living below the permafrost line.  And they intend to do that with vacuum cleaner cords.  They’ve plotted a wave of insanity destined to subdue the entire human race... except the Swiss.  We all know that vacuum cleaner cords make us all just a little bit crazy.  It’s just a matter of time before they make us a whole lot crazy.  They’re designed that way.  It’s just a matter of time before people begin to crack, and all it takes is for one person to go beyond the dust threshold.  Just one person to run amok.  And, of course, they’ll have to clean up his mess, and that will involve a vacuum cleaner.  Then two.  Then four.  Then eight.  And before long, there will be more vacuum cleaners on earth than humans.  Vacuum cleaners that hunger for dust.  And, as we all know, dust is mostly human skin cells that have dried and fallen from our bodies.  It’s just a matter of time before the vacuums will no longer be content to let those cells dry first.  And there will be the Swiss, secure in their mountains.  And all they have to do is wait for the last vacuum to starve, and then the whole world is theirs.